Monday, August 28, 2006

It's official

I am, absolutely and totally, a gay man. Well, except for these hooters and whatnot, that is.

Let me back up for a moment...

Since this new season of Project Runway started, my old pal Brando and I have been semi-obsessed with designer Robert Best. (Yes, I know that rhymed, and I hate it, but whatever.) Our little Robert is adorable, talented, slightly bitchy, extremely sarcastic, and of course, queer as daisies.

We love Robert. We need Robert. We Friendsterstalked Robert. We desperately wanted him to win, not only because he's a wonderful designer, but also because someday, we wanted him to support us in the manner to which we've grown accustomed. But alas, it was not to be; Robert was (absurdly and unfairly) eliminated in last week's challenge.

Though I was inconsolable, I managed to control my sobbing for just long enough to send our Robert a Friendster note of consolation and support. We were and are there for him, and if he wants, he can make clothes for us. (I like to help. It's what I do.)

Now, I was not expecting a response, people. Robert is a Big Star now, regardless of his ejection. He makes clothes for Barbie, for christssake...surely he's too busy for me...

But this morning, in my Friendster inbox, I found this...

Thanks Helen,
Very sweet of you to send support and nice wishes. I also hope that you will be seeing much more of me. All in all - it was an awesome experience...see you on the reunion show. Much love.
You rock.

Robert Best

You better believe that this bitch jumped up and down, squealing like Tom Cruise on an overdose of Ritalin. And of course, I immediately emailed Brando, not in small part due to the knowledge that he would be absofuckinglutely GREEN about it. Which he totally is.

So, yeah, there you go. As well as being a reality TV starfucker, I'm a total fagala. I only hope that in addition to Robert, the Farmboyz will date me now. Wish me luck. And send me condoms!

ps. I think I'm a top.


Blogger Big Dan said...

I think of you more as a chick with a dick.

5:52 PM  
Blogger GayProf said...

If it's not too much trouble, maybe you could ask Robert to whip up some new duds for my Mego Wonder Woman doll? Or he could just get me drunk at a bar. Which ever. I am flexible.

10:43 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

Yeah. You're definitely a top.

10:58 PM  
Blogger MEK the Bear said...

Oh, Helen,

"You better believe that this bitch jumped up and down, squealing like Tom Cruise on an overdose of Ritalin."

Definitely a bottom, I'm just sayin'

3:57 PM  
Blogger Joe.My.God. said...

And here *I* was excited because Russ Feingold Friendster'd me. Which I still don't know why, but still. Go Helen.

5:50 PM  
Blogger David said...

While I don't see anything in that post that truly qualifies you as a gay man, I celebrate your celebrity stalking success. Did you enjoy that alliteration?

You are so a bottom.

6:20 PM  
Blogger Limecrete said...

Awesome. We always connect with the ones who'd never sleep with us.

And you should really be a top. The world needs more.

11:57 PM  
Blogger Dashiell said...

So as the token straight guy, if I were to hang out with you, would that make me your hag or something?

10:48 AM  
Blogger yellow_mustard_girl said...

I agree with Limecrete...the world needs more tops.
It's the squealing!
Yay for starfucking :) You are my hero.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

You are going to be my best man for the wedding right? Kayne is going to be Robert's.

I know you are going to throw one hell of a bachelor party for me.

We're thinking a June wedding.

6:06 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

I met Robert at the national Barbie convention like several times. I didn't know he was this big of a deal. I would have gotten my picture taken with him

12:48 AM  
Blogger farmboyz said...

Huh? What happened? I thought we already did it. Didn't we? Then whose baby is this that I'm carrying?!

11:36 PM  
Blogger farmboyz said...

Thank you Helen, we are flattered. But a third top in this relationship.... very confusing!
-Farmboy C, missing you.

5:28 AM  
Blogger farmboyz said...

Oh my God, you do realize, do you, that that is the very first time C has ever ever posted a comment. Till now, he's been Garbo. I'm not sure I want these flood gates opened, but take the compliment, and know we both share it.

6:42 PM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Oh Farmboyz my Farmboyz...I nearly peed when I realized that the elusive C. had made a real live appearance. I couldn't be more flattered if the two of you actually tag teamed me.

11:11 AM  

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