Monday, June 12, 2006

Helen's Highlight Reel

Friday, June 9, 2006 (4th anniversary of my arrival in New York):

  • Visited doctor for checkup, grievously hung over from yet another stupid work party. Discovered, when asked to disrobe, mortifyingly mismatched socks. Attempted unsuccessfully to convince doctor that skimpy open-in-back gown weighed 8 pounds while standing on lying bastard of a scale. Managed, shockingly, to pee in cup without peeing on hands.

  • After two years of constant online ridiculousness, finally met Dan and Renee in person, at Bronx Zoo. Watched enormous monkey spank his not-quite-so-enormous monkey. Watched gorillas eat both their own poo and the poo of others. Life = good.

  • Took Dan and Renee to Chelsea, because gayborhood is what I know. Ate and drank far, far too much, because that's what I do. Enjoyed self tremendously.

  • Engaged in heated altercation with cab driver who, based solely on my requested destination, referred to me as a "fucking whore." (Note: requested destination was neither a brothel nor a strip club, thereby rendering remark uncalled for, if not inaccurate.) Relinquished my right to report his psychotic behavior to the taxi commission by informing him I was the mayor's niece and would "own him by Monday." Don't ask why, as no answer exists. Made it home safely, albeit in different cab.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

  • Gaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. Gaaaaah. Oy.

  • Percocet...

  • Yay!

  • HBO On Demand. Food. More food. Still more food. Mmmmm, food.

  • ...

Sunday, June 11, 2006

  • Made first venture to laundromat in new 'hood. Made up fake husband to dodge advances of scary (okay, ugly) dude who came in off the street to ask A) if I'm Puerto Rican, and B) Could he call me sometime? (No, and, uh, no. But thanks, though. No, really.)

  • Finished unpacking and organizing apartment. Socks now successfully matched. Remaining bubble wrap disposed of without further incident.
  • "Custer was a cunt. The end." - Calamity Jane
    Life = good.


Anonymous Aaron said...

Holy crap!

8:56 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

'I Fling Poo'.

And babe, you are SOOO Puerto Rican. Just own up to it.


10:02 PM  
Blogger Big Dan said...

I had to read that again, ya puerto rican shit whore. By the way I haven't walked that much in at least 10 years, but the monkey eating their shit was totally worth it. Next time I go to the gayborhood I want to be in better shape and possibly leave Renee at home, but don't tell her!

9:32 AM  
Blogger MEK the Bear said...

I nominate "I will own you by Monday" as the Helen Damnation catch phrase of the year. I had to contain my laughter when I read that. I almost exploded.

11:57 AM  
Blogger Limecrete said...

Jesus, how many fucking alcohol-soaked parties per week does your employer throw? Do you work for Janice Dickinson or something?

4:50 PM  
Blogger farmboyz said...


I never ever throw out my bubble wrap. We've a giant box of it in the cellar, and another giant box of it in Florida. I can't imagine being without. Think of a nuclear event. Such purposes it will serve. Warmth, cushioning, head gear and entertainment. Even oxygen value: popping and sniffing my through the dark morning after.

PS: That same night of your altercation, I saw a couple get out of a cab on Columbus and hurl similar invective at the driver. The guy then kicked the cab and chased it down a block where it stopped at the light behind another car. He continued to whale on the car while his girlfriend smiled sweetly and shrugged at me.

I've concluded that I want to be you, only with a big purple Puerto Rican dick detachably attached in the right area.

5:08 PM  
Blogger GayProf said...

Where exactly do you work? A liquor import/export company? A vodka bottling plant? The Bush twins' apartment?

We aren't even allowed to have liquor anywhere near our workstations by state law.

5:33 PM  
Blogger Corby said...

Hey, I missed when your dad became Mayor. Congrats!
(Where exactly DID you want to go that caused the fucking whore comment?)

10:17 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

Damn..I want to work where you employer never throws good parties...the fucktard.

Being called names by a taxi driver is normal in your area? Stick a glock in his face and I bet his dumbass apologizes real quick.

3:30 PM  

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