Friday, June 02, 2006

Helen: Here and Now

I decided today that I definitely hate Natalie Merchant. Between that phony nasal drone and the pretentious I-went-to-art-school-to-piss-off-my-parents lyrics, she can totally fuck off.

In other news, Kurt Cobain is dead, and O.J. Simpson killed his wife.

I am nothing if not completely in touch with today's relevant issues.


Anonymous Amy said...

When I first read that, I said to myself, "OJ killed his wife again?" also not in touch with current events, even if I am a celebrity gossip whore. Maybe I subconsciously assumed that wouldn't be big news....I don't even know if he remarried.

And now, stragely enough, I really want to know.

5:16 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I want to know the backstory on how Natalie Merchant even came back in to your pop-culture consciousness.

That's like me saying, 'You know what I think is a cool show? Max Headroom'.

7:16 PM  
Anonymous Mikey said...

Dear Ms. Helen--

You are quite correct about Ms. Merchant. She can choke on a fat one, and it would make me smile.



7:20 PM  
Blogger curly mcdimple said...

It's okay, Helen. I still have an ax to grind with Hootie & the Blowfish and Toad the Wet Sprocket. Oh and the Goo Goo Dolls. A true hatred knows no expiration date.

11:15 PM  
Blogger Corby said...

Kurt Cobain is DEAD?

11:25 PM  
Blogger BD said...

You mean?!


You don't appreciate the subtly and depth of the talented Miss. Merchant?

1:17 PM  
Blogger Dagon said...

I have always hated Natalie Merchant. I used to want to kill people who thought "Every Day Is Like Sunday" was her song.

11:02 PM  
Anonymous js said...

I remember seeing Natalie Merchant signing with Michael Stipe at an REM concert in Buffalo 86/87? Someone told me she was Michael's New Girlfriend, and I believed them.

A few years back I saw her on a VH1 show, where she was talking about the person who got her into music. She mentioned a special teacher she had that totally helped her start singing. And then in an afterthought she said, I should really thank her for that.

Duh. That has become one of are favorite lines whenever we are being too self involved and asking way too much of someone. I should really thank you for that.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Da Nator said...

Natalie Merchant is like every rich "hippie" girl who went to private school.

12:10 PM  
Blogger P/O said...

i once had a sex dream about natalie merchant.

make of that what you will.

3:37 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

I have never liked Natalie Merchant.

Your grasp of current events is amazing :p

1:23 AM  
Anonymous Glenn said...

I always thought my special hatred for her should cause her to combust in front of a live studio audience, but apparently her gross hippy clothes blocked my psychic rage.

7:48 AM  
Anonymous Natalie M said...

I am Natalie Merchant.

I think you're all very mean, and I hope you eat too much fiber and are therefore stuck in the bathroom for many long movements.

I bring you only love and happiness and you shower me with bile. A pox on you and your pets.

3:48 PM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Dear Natalie,
You'll be pleased to know that I'm currently on a special high-fiber diet that has me shitting like a dirty monkey up to ten times a day. It is both uncomfortable and unattractive.

That're still a whiny, pretentious, post-neo-hippie douche princess. Sorry babe. Da troof is da troof.

With purest vitriol,


3:57 PM  

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