Thursday, May 25, 2006

Time Out Ninth Circle

Time Out New York can officially fuck right off. Too many categories, too much information...I'm busy, and I'm tired. I want it brief, and I want it now. So, with a big holiday weekend coming up and no decent info source in sight, I had to do it myself. But it's not just for me, people...everything I do, I do it for you. (Except masturbate. That's just for me. And that's another thing I do because no one else gets it right, but that's a whole 'nother story.)

Anyway, here are some things you should and/or shouldn't do this Memorial Day weekend. (Please note that nearly all items were attempted/experienced and reviewed by me personally within the last week or so, and I know what the fuck I'm talking about.)

  • Pass kidney stone(s) in emergency room(s)
  • Move
  • Unpack box after box of shit you can't believe you even have
  • Spill soy sauce on brand new duvet
  • Think too much about the fact that you've been out of high school for 15 g.d. years
  • Believe Janet's lies. Movie role...sure, honey.
  • Giggle uncontrollably when speaking to your new urologist, even if his name really is Dr. Weiner (No, really.)


  • If you must move, hire Winkel Moves
  • Tell 911 operator how long it's been since you last got laid, so she'll believe you're not pregnant. Follow that with "I'm just sick, I'm not fucking retarded! Jesus Christ lady!"
  • X3, bitches!
  • Strip down to underwear, eat Chinese food in front of TV
  • See New Professionals at Redd's Tavern and/or the Delancey on Saturday night
  • Buy missed episodes of Lost on iTunes, get caught up now that season is over (sigh)
  • Hump a sailor
  • Visit a museum
  • Casually say hello to a famous person, as if you're old friends
  • Slap a tourist (more than once, if you can)

Enjoy! (Or don't. Whatever.)


Blogger Greg said...

I'm all for the"Hump a Sailor." Too bad we don't have fleet week in the OC. :(

2:52 PM  
Blogger DMo said...

A solid holiday-weekend to-do (and to-don't) list. Unfortunately, I'll be in some crazy little town in inland Georgia for a wedding.

My chances of humping a hot woman sailor (seawoman?) are probably pretty shitty.

2:57 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

I was going to pay my first visit to Randall's Island and watch beefy gay guys pulverize one another before chasing down a lame one. Your plans are much better!

3:01 PM  
Blogger GayProf said...

Where can I sign-up for that sailor option? Is there a waiting list? Or is it first-come-first served (No pun intended)?

Hope you are feeling okay.

3:19 PM  
Blogger Da Nator said...

1. Rufus! SQUEEEE!!!

2. Did you at least meet a cute doctor in the ER? That's what always happens on TV...

(X)3. Goddamnit. I want to see X3 so badly this w.e., but as we're visiting Mother Nator we're more likely to end up going to RV, or some such bullshit.

4. The preferred state of dress for eating Chinese food is naked. Actually, that's the preferred state of dress for everything, provided the curtains are closed and the cats aren't trying to jump on one's exposed lap.

4. I thought you were laid more recently? What about that walk of shame business?

5. RUFUS!!! SQUEEEE!!!11!1!

5:44 PM  
Anonymous Anna said...

Have a great holiday being naked and looking at Hugh Jackman! Mmmm....

6:55 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

I agree with the chinese food in your underwear one..

You have a very full life ;)

7:34 PM  
Blogger Dashiell said...

If only you'd known ...

Feel better!

9:17 PM  
Anonymous Amy said...

"Please note that nearly all items were attempted/experienced and reviewed by me personally within the last week or so, and I know what the fuck I'm talking about."

I'm really hoping that the nearly all meant that you did hump a sailor, and did not pass a kidney stone. 'Cause sailors sound waaay more fun. At least initially.

9:17 PM  
Blogger Horny Old Guy said...

Oh I think I'll just stay home and jack off, thank you! This is after all National Masturbation Month you know! Y'all join in the festivities!

10:33 AM  
Blogger Limecrete said...

Strip down to underwear, eat Chinese food in front of TV.

Well, duh. People need to be told that this is one of life's great pleasures?

11:00 AM  
Blogger MEK the Bear said...

I'm seeing X-3 tonight and while I won't be humping a sailor, I'll probably be humping a cowboy, is that good enough?

2:10 PM  
Blogger Big Dan said...

Right! That brown stain is from soy sauce. Learn how to wipe properly, jeez!

11:09 AM  
Blogger BD said...



3:44 PM  
Anonymous charles said...

Pictures of Darwin at the MET to come.

Seriously, what's with the pee pipes mamma? Call me sometime. I've got a phone!

6:56 PM  

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