Everyone on this big dumb planet has his or her own ideas about who and what is sexy, and why. Right? Of course. There's nothing strange or difficult to understand about that. It's nature hard at work, trying to trick us into reproducing. Fine.
It's not always so easy, however, to discern the specifics of what makes a person attractive. In fact, the tenets of sexiness can reach beyond the intangible, and drop straight into the inexplicable. I've dated a variety of men...tall, short, fat, thin, ugly, cute, gorgeous, tattooed, clean-cut...all of them were sexy to me, in their own ways. (For at least 20 minutes, at any rate.) Oftentimes, I'm confident that those I'm attracted to bear certain empirically appealing traits. But sometimes, my own tastes concern and unsettle me. Take these celebrity examples...Exhibit A: Dave Grohl
Remarkably talented. Undeniably adorable. Relentlessly ambitious. Cheeky, to the point of total goofiness. Tattooed. In shape. Stylish, in an urban-hipsteresque kind of way. A fucking rockstar who deserves to be one. My ideal boyfriend.
Dave is sexy. No two ways about it. Exhibit B: George Clooney
Smoother than warm molasses. Accomplished. Experienced. Slightly mysterious. Strong and sophisticated, with an ever-present glint of humor in fathomless dark eyes. The closest thing to James Bond America has to offer, AND he loves South Park. He'd punch out your ex-boyfriend without so much as wrinkling his custom-made Armani.
George's sexiness can be seen from space. Undeniable.Exhibit C: Dave Navarro
Dark. Serious. Out-of-the ordinary. More than a little androgynous. Body carved out of rock. Uniquely stylish. Has hot wife, which hurts nothing in my book. And you know he's just...dirty. Not everyone's cup of carrot juice, to be sure, but there's a certain element of universal appeal present here.
Dave Navarro is fucking sexy. Not hard to understand why I think so.
But see, here's where it gets flat-out disturbing. This weekend, I watched Season One of the Sopranos on DVD. It was then that I discovered an attraction that it pains me to admit... Exhibit D: Tony Soprano
Fat. Be-manboobed. Balding. Sociopathic. Murderous. Insatiable womanizer. Horrible dresser. Crude. A guido in the truest, most embarrassing sense of the word (which I, as an eye-talian, am allowed to use, thankyouverymuch.)
And yet...the panties, they get moist.WHY GOD, WHY?
If anyone's got an explanation, I'd like to hear it.
And don't worry, I have no intention of reproducing.