Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Nature Really IS a Whore

Everyone on this big dumb planet has his or her own ideas about who and what is sexy, and why. Right? Of course. There's nothing strange or difficult to understand about that. It's nature hard at work, trying to trick us into reproducing. Fine.

It's not always so easy, however, to discern the specifics of what makes a person attractive. In fact, the tenets of sexiness can reach beyond the intangible, and drop straight into the inexplicable. I've dated a variety of men...tall, short, fat, thin, ugly, cute, gorgeous, tattooed, clean-cut...all of them were sexy to me, in their own ways. (For at least 20 minutes, at any rate.) Oftentimes, I'm confident that those I'm attracted to bear certain empirically appealing traits. But sometimes, my own tastes concern and unsettle me. Take these celebrity examples...

Exhibit A: Dave Grohl
Remarkably talented. Undeniably adorable. Relentlessly ambitious. Cheeky, to the point of total goofiness. Tattooed. In shape. Stylish, in an urban-hipsteresque kind of way. A fucking rockstar who deserves to be one. My ideal boyfriend.

Dave is sexy. No two ways about it.





Exhibit B: George Clooney
Smoother than warm molasses. Accomplished. Experienced. Slightly mysterious. Strong and sophisticated, with an ever-present glint of humor in fathomless dark eyes. The closest thing to James Bond America has to offer, AND he loves South Park. He'd punch out your ex-boyfriend without so much as wrinkling his custom-made Armani.

George's sexiness can be seen from space. Undeniable.



Exhibit C: Dave Navarro
Dark. Serious. Out-of-the ordinary. More than a little androgynous. Body carved out of rock. Uniquely stylish. Has hot wife, which hurts nothing in my book. And you know he's just...dirty. Not everyone's cup of carrot juice, to be sure, but there's a certain element of universal appeal present here.

Dave Navarro is fucking sexy. Not hard to understand why I think so.

But see, here's where it gets flat-out disturbing. This weekend, I watched Season One of the Sopranos on DVD. It was then that I discovered an attraction that it pains me to admit...

Exhibit D: Tony Soprano
Fat. Be-manboobed. Balding. Sociopathic. Murderous. Insatiable womanizer. Horrible dresser. Crude. A guido in the truest, most embarrassing sense of the word (which I, as an eye-talian, am allowed to use, thankyouverymuch.)

And yet...the panties, they get moist.

WHY GOD, WHY?

If anyone's got an explanation, I'd like to hear it.

And don't worry, I have no intention of reproducing.

8 Comments:

Blogger Anna said...

Helen! I am SO with you on this. Well, except I don't find Dave Grohl dreamy - but the rest, I am right there with you.

I (another eye-talian) think that Tony's sexiness comes from his take-charge, no-bullshit, gonna-get-things done attitude.

10:01 PM  
Blogger GayProf said...

My Two Cents:

Dave Groul: Yes

George Clooney: Sometimes

Dave Navarro: No

Tony Soprano: Helen, I am concerned about you and am thinking about organizing an intervention.

12:30 PM  
Anonymous js said...

Power is sexy. Not sure why but you are designed to lust after the most powerful man you see. A recent clinical study did a piece where they rated womens attractiveness to mens sweat smell based on the men's aggression rating. Surprisingly, if I remember this right, it depends on where you are in you cycle as to what type of man woman find sexy. Turns out when you are dropping an egg you go for the more agro male and when you are not you want Mr. Nice guy. Explains why a-hole men seem to always get laid doesn't it.

3:43 PM  
Anonymous Aaron said...

Gandolfini has unusually large hands. Check the photo.

6:52 PM  
Blogger missbhavens said...

I'm with you...right up 'till Gandolfini. He just freaks me out.

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Big Dan said...

You want a fat guy, it's okay. Fat guys are awesome.

4:55 PM  
Anonymous dirty said...

Navarro looks like Prince.
Tony (the character) is so undeniably himself, that it is attractive. Poepl who can't help who they are are attractive.
Like say, Russell Crowe's character in LA Confidential....

:)

11:40 AM  
Blogger Sudiegirl said...

I understand your reasoning about all of those guys...they all appeal to a certain facet of my personality, you know?

However, there's one that's not on there that should be (if you dig brothers, that is...)

and that is...Don Cheadle.

Ay yi yi...million dollar smile, nice sleek build, and he can dance too! Rowr.

Just my two cents...

Sudiegirl

9:00 AM  

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