Helen's Holiday Handbook

No matter what holidays you do (or don't) celebrate in December, this time of year is invariably one huge pain the babymaker. Ridiculous pushy crowds, criminally unreasonable transit unions, the inescapable horror that is Christmas music...It's enough to drive the Pope to violence, and we all know what a nice guy he is. (cough...Hitler Youth...cough)

Anyway, helpful soul that I am, I thought I'd offer some pointers on getting through this holiday season in one reasonably sane piece. My methods aren't for everyone, but I recommend you at least try them before you make that decision for yourself. Also, I must mention that these are strictly GROWNUP holiday coping strategies. You kids, you go play with your XBox 360 or something. Go on, get the hell outta here.

Okay, now the little bastards are gone, here we go...

Surviving the Holidays, Ninth Circle Style

1. Booze it up, big time. Not only is excessive drinking more acceptable during the holidays, it's required. Company parties wouldn't offer free drinks, otherwise. I know I certainly haven't let my firm down...you shouldn't either.



2. Get your hands on some pills, pronto. My mother can't be bothered to pick up the phone on my December birthday, but the pharmaceutical care packages she sends my way make it so, SO forgivable. Xanax makes everything fuzzy and amusing, whilst decreasing the odds of choking the crap out of your family, friends, retail staff, and striking transit workers by 77%. And I tell you whut...I'm not sure what the yellow capsule was, but KA-BLAMMO! I already had myself a merry little Christmas. Thanks Mom!



3. Have you some sex. This, of course, is one of those "do as I say, not as I do" directives. I'm in a dry spell that makes the Sahara look like Splash fucking Mountain, but I strongly encourage you to relieve the mounting holiday tension by gettin' out and gettin' slippery. And then, if you have time, call me while he/she's in the shower. (Hey, I'd do it for you.)



4. Conveniently "lose" your cell phone. Unless you're a drug dealer or a call girl, is there anyone you really need to speak with between December 24th and January 1? Absolutely not. Your family will only make you crazy. Your friends will annoy you with all their bitching about shopping and the cold and the transit strike. Drop that fucker in the toilet at your favorite bar, so you won't be tempted to retrieve it. You can get a new phone for free after the first of the year by calling your provider and claiming you got mugged outside a department store on Christmas Eve. Trust me.



5. Remember that the internet is all you really need. Aside from the booze and pills, that is. Why deal with the nightmarish retail blitz the holidays create when you can simply order your dad a foot massager from Target.com? They'll ship it right to his house, and you never have to leave yours. No muss, no fuss, no haggard, cunty salesgirls. And in between your internet shopping trips...porn! Everybody wins!

So relax...it's all gonna be okay.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a yellow capsule calling my name. Cheers!