Thursday, December 22, 2005

Helen's Holiday Handbook

No matter what holidays you do (or don't) celebrate in December, this time of year is invariably one huge pain the babymaker. Ridiculous pushy crowds, criminally unreasonable transit unions, the inescapable horror that is Christmas music...It's enough to drive the Pope to violence, and we all know what a nice guy he is. (cough...Hitler Youth...cough)

Anyway, helpful soul that I am, I thought I'd offer some pointers on getting through this holiday season in one reasonably sane piece. My methods aren't for everyone, but I recommend you at least try them before you make that decision for yourself. Also, I must mention that these are strictly GROWNUP holiday coping strategies. You kids, you go play with your XBox 360 or something. Go on, get the hell outta here.

Okay, now the little bastards are gone, here we go...

Surviving the Holidays, Ninth Circle Style

  1. Booze it up, big time. Not only is excessive drinking more acceptable during the holidays, it's required. Company parties wouldn't offer free drinks, otherwise. I know I certainly haven't let my firm shouldn't either.

  2. Get your hands on some pills, pronto. My mother can't be bothered to pick up the phone on my December birthday, but the pharmaceutical care packages she sends my way make it so, SO forgivable. Xanax makes everything fuzzy and amusing, whilst decreasing the odds of choking the crap out of your family, friends, retail staff, and striking transit workers by 77%. And I tell you whut...I'm not sure what the yellow capsule was, but KA-BLAMMO! I already had myself a merry little Christmas. Thanks Mom!

  3. Have you some sex. This, of course, is one of those "do as I say, not as I do" directives. I'm in a dry spell that makes the Sahara look like Splash fucking Mountain, but I strongly encourage you to relieve the mounting holiday tension by gettin' out and gettin' slippery. And then, if you have time, call me while he/she's in the shower. (Hey, I'd do it for you.)

  4. Conveniently "lose" your cell phone. Unless you're a drug dealer or a call girl, is there anyone you really need to speak with between December 24th and January 1? Absolutely not. Your family will only make you crazy. Your friends will annoy you with all their bitching about shopping and the cold and the transit strike. Drop that fucker in the toilet at your favorite bar, so you won't be tempted to retrieve it. You can get a new phone for free after the first of the year by calling your provider and claiming you got mugged outside a department store on Christmas Eve. Trust me.

  5. Remember that the internet is all you really need. Aside from the booze and pills, that is. Why deal with the nightmarish retail blitz the holidays create when you can simply order your dad a foot massager from They'll ship it right to his house, and you never have to leave yours. No muss, no fuss, no haggard, cunty salesgirls. And in between your internet shopping! Everybody wins!

So's all gonna be okay.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a yellow capsule calling my name. Cheers!


Anonymous Big Dan said...

How many people have to die so I can move up from the kids table?? I'm fucking 27 already, Jesus.

4:55 PM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Dan, please see #1, #2 ,and #4. Or, alternately, print out this list and hand it out to all the little ones at the kids' table. I guarantee that after that, you'll never have to sit there again.

5:42 PM  
Blogger Shan said...

Bah Humbug - I'm bad with holidays.
You have yourself a great one tho.

11:50 PM  
Blogger Sangroncito said...

Excellent advice!
Feliz Natal do Brasil!

7:48 AM  
Blogger Rhoda Hoarse said...

im ahead of you on the phone tip - i was actually mugged last week and phone has been used for part payment on a large dosage of heroin - i'll add a tip..this is for the ones who have no choice but to leave the confines of there rooms to battle the xmas shoppers -if you come across a killerstyle lady with pushchair or disabled hellsangel type senior - you know the type - the ones that decide to mow you down or stop abruptly in front of you... just add a security tag to there baggage/buggy/child - (tags can be found on the floor of all changing rooms in the xmas period)

this tip will be sure to bring glee to even the most miserable of xmas shopper!!!


12:06 PM  
Blogger Rocky said...

Hey, thanks for the holiday tips. Loved your hilarious analogy with the Sahara/Splash Mountain thing in #3. Been there. Don't worry, the floods will come eventually.

12:21 PM  
Blogger Earl Cootie said...

Xanax. Mmmmmmm. I wouldn't holiday without it.

5:40 PM  

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