Friday, August 10, 2007

Pussy vs. Pussy

So many of you have asked how I'm doing. Very kind of you. Rather than expound on the topic, I'll tell you a little story that ought to sum it up fairly well:

Wednesday was to have been my first day back at work, effectively concluding my stint on not-so-short-term disability. I rose early that morning, got gussied up in a new dress and kitten-heeled sandals, strapped on my painfully heavy backpack, and set out, anticipating a reasonably triumphant return to the workforce.

Exactly five hours later I stumbled back into my apartment, completely dishevelled, new dress soaked through with sweat, feet blistered and screaming, having succeeded in travelling no more than three miles from home. The profound and riduculous failure of New York City's mass transit system left me stranded in Brooklyn with no chance of getting to the office.

Bedraggled and disgusted, I stripped off my smelly clothes to let the blessedly conditioned air dry my dripping skin. Five hours of carrying a 15-pound backpack all over hell had left my newly repaired neck extremely sore and uncomfortable. And so it was that, in deference to my condition, I squatted down to pick up a letter I'd dropped on the floor, rather than simply bending from the waist to retrieve it.

Grady immediately barrelled toward me, crossing the room in a stripey orange flash. I was charmed, thinking that he was just happy I was home. How adorable!

In fact, he was attacking my unfortunately exposed tampon string. Rather viciously, too.

We struggled over it for a few moments, Grady clawing and biting with all the joyful force a four-pound kitten can muster, me pulling and clenching and swearing and trying desperately to protect my genitalia.

You may or may not be pleased to know that I emerged victorious, thanks to Kegel exercises and Grady's limited tampon-wrangling experience.

I only wish I were starting school this fall. I'm fairly certain that my "What I Did on My Summer Vacation" essay would win some sort of fucking prize.

21 Comments:

Blogger Tina-cious.com said...

OH. My. F#cking. God.

BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAA

:::in tears here::::

bAHAHAHAHAHA

Wooooooo ehem... sorry that was such a sucky day. :P

Have a great weekend!

lol

3:33 PM  
Anonymous tater said...

HAW HAW! No he didn't! Priceless. You are such the pussy magnet. Your lucky he didn't get a good swipe at it and drag it all over your apartment. That would have made for a really interesting storyline for CSI:

"Horatio, there is menstrual blood on twenty different surfaces in Ms. Felon's apartment"

"Interesting, and did you notice there was cat hair in every sample?"

"Well, yes but I thought it was simply an anomaly, or just really bad hygiene..."

You crack my shit up, can't believe you shared this with us. Thank You!

4:53 PM  
Blogger Earl Cootie said...

My first kitten forcefully latched onto my nipple once when I was shirtless, but holy freaking yikes! They're little beasts. Why the ancients invented clothing I'm guessing.

10:16 AM  
Blogger GayProf said...

Better Kitty than a poorly chosen roommate. When you come back, you come back with a classic Helen story.

I hope that you are doing well. I missed you.

10:57 AM  
Anonymous Pixie said...

Oh my! I was laughing so hard I almost pee'd a little ;o) This should be a new event in the Tampon Olympics! Right before the Tampon Field Toss!

Ah...memories :)

7:37 PM  
Blogger evilganome said...

I have managed to stop laughing long enough to leave a comment. I have heard about guys having their teabags and dicks targeted by playful kittens but this is a first.

I once lost half of my beard when I was using the electric trimmer and Alice wandered into the bathroom and decided that my leg looked like a perfectly good scratching post.

Still, it all pales in comparison to the mental picture of you and Grady in a death match over your tampon! Too bad you didn't get pictures.

9:01 AM  
Blogger BigAssBelle said...

hahaha!!! i've had that same experience with a cat. funny little pussies :-)

glad to hear you're home and relatively well. hope work went well for you. it's kind of tough to go back.

11:29 AM  
Blogger Da Nator said...

1. Oh, NO. I can't believe that mishegoss was your first commuting day back!

2. Best. Story. EVER.

10:32 PM  
Blogger David said...

I'll just add to the fawning. I think I actually covered my mouth with my hand while reading this, like in a cartoon.

I love my cat, but Mookie would have had an impromptu trip through the air if she pulled any kind of shit like that.

11:33 AM  
Blogger Lotuslander said...

For a second, I thought Grady was your spouse, and yes you would win the prize for what you did on summer vacation.
Glad your feeling better and survived the surgery.

2:27 PM  
Blogger Red7Eric said...

Holy CRAP, but that pervy kitten of yours makes me chuckle.

Thank you, Dr. Kegel.

3:22 PM  
Blogger Rodger said...

And Helen is back with a vengeance. That is the funniest shit I've heard all year! The only thing funnier would be to actually watch it happen...then again...I'd rather not.

I think I'll stick to dogs...for evah.

4:38 PM  
Blogger Laurie said...

First laugh I've had in days. Helen, I love you.

10:50 PM  
Blogger Joe said...

Dying.

That's all I got.

12:05 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Isn't it nice to be able to pick up right where you left off?

Welcome home, Helen!

12:06 PM  
Blogger more cowbell said...

Holy tampon tag, Batgirl! That's some crazy cat! I'm here thru red7eric, and let me just say I'm glad I clicked the link.

I was going to comment on how this makes me greatful for my Labs, but then I remembered that my black lab once got into the trash and ate 3 tampons. I know, nastyass dog. Emergency surgery to the tune of $1700. Right before Christmas. Yeah. Pets are great.

10:51 PM  
Blogger Big Ass Belle said...

this was so hysterical, i had to come and read it again. kitty and the string. and dang, girl, you must be working those kegels. good for you ;-)

so are you okay? are you feeling better? are you back at work?? tell all, darling.

7:34 AM  
Blogger RG said...

So what you're saying,is that your life is back to normal?

7:13 PM  
Blogger 9W said...

oh my fucking god..

brilliant. simply brilliant.

laughing out loud for real. not in that fake lol way.

1:39 PM  
Blogger cb said...

Could be worse. What if kitten had WON the tug-o-war and then scampered away with his little prize??

I'm still laughing though.

5:37 PM  
Anonymous TedBear said...

That is the funniest story I have read in weeks.

It is certainly the best tampoon (hi Lynette) story EVER.

10:29 AM  

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