Tagged & towed

Our heroine Lynette tagged me this week, in what I believe to be sweet and well-aimed effort to distract me from the craptastic-ness that has recently abounded. Because I love her, and because my vacation got cancelled and I'm totally missing tonight's Cloud Cult show in Denver and need something to do instead of think about that, and because I'm a huge slacker, I'm gonna play along and tell you ten things about me. Try not to shit yourself with excitement.

Aiiight, here goes:

1. I'm freakishly ambidextrous. Completely snapped both bones in my right arm when I was four, and as a result had to learn to use my left. I still write, play guitar, and primarily eat right-handed, but I bat, throw, and brush my teeth lefty, and can paint equally well with both hands (which is to say, not well at all.) I tend toward the left foot in soccer, too, but my right is almost as strong. Or was, back when I could still be persuaded to get off the couch every once in awhile. (NOTE TO MY LOVING COMMENTERS: Don't bother asking which hand I diddle myself with. That's an unimaginative question. I expect more from you.)
   


2. I was Little Miss Boulder County. Yep. I was on the road to Jon-Benet Land for awhile there, from ages four to six or so. I was winning, too. Tied for first place in a talent competition with the first and only stand-up comedy routine I have ever performed. The problem was that I hated dresses and girly things. At seven, I quit pageants to play little league baseball. My mom was heartbroken.



3. I'm scared of grasshoppers. We had this huge, horrible infestation of them the summer I was seven. The back yard was so carpeted with fucking grasshoppers that it crunched when you walked across it. They covered the back of the house, including the outside of the back door and the doorknob, so they got inside every time one went in or out. Do you have any idea how huge those bastards can get? And they spit that nasty tobacco juice shit all over you...iiiiiiiick. I can chase down a roach the size of my foot and kick its arthropodic ass, but show me a grasshopper and I get squealy.



4. I was in a Kevin Costner movie. My dad and I were extras in American Flyers. It pretty well sucks. But I got to meet John Amos, who was completely awesome and seemed extremely large to me at the time.



5. I was overweight and distinctly unattractive from ages 13 to 19. I'm neither now, but I still walk around feeling like a fat, ugly kid half the time. Especially in New York. Oof. I think I'd feel better if I moved to the Midwest and wasn't surrounded by 23-year-old stick figures with flawless faces all the time. Jesus christ, enough with the models already.
   


6. I have consumed damn near every illicit substance known to man at one time or the other, with the exceptions of cocaine and meth, neither of which will ever pass my mucous membranes. The first half of that statement shocks no one, I'm sure. Some may doubt the second half. All I can say to them is...well, fuck you.



7. I have never, ever shoplifted anything in my life. I may have a felonious nature, but I don't steal shit from stores. In fact, a Best Buy clerk once forgot to charge me for a $30 telephone, and when I realized the mistake, I made the 45-minute drive back to the store to pay for it. Then I called my mother and told her she had raised me all wrong.



8. I detest Ray Liotta with every strand of my DNA. I'd tell you why if I really knew, but I don't. I'm just deeply Liottaphobic. Fuck you, Ray!



9. I attract sociopaths. If you've ever had any desire to date/fuck me, you probably are one, and should have yourself committed to a psychiatric facility before you commit a(nother) crime against humanity. Seen Girl, Interrupted? Yeah, you're Angelina Jolie's character. Now get the fuck away from me.



10. Yes, it was me. Oops. Sorry 'bout that. What can I say? I'm a vegetarian. Lots of legumes and whatnot.

There you go. I guess I'm supposed to tag some other folks, or something? Sigh. Okay. Uhmmmm...how about Earl, and P/O ('cause he hasn't been around much lately...wtf?), and CSCFON. Yeah. Bring it, bitches.