Thursday, May 10, 2007

Tagged & towed

Our heroine Lynette tagged me this week, in what I believe to be sweet and well-aimed effort to distract me from the craptastic-ness that has recently abounded. Because I love her, and because my vacation got cancelled and I'm totally missing tonight's Cloud Cult show in Denver and need something to do instead of think about that, and because I'm a huge slacker, I'm gonna play along and tell you ten things about me. Try not to shit yourself with excitement.

Aiiight, here goes:

  1. I'm freakishly ambidextrous. Completely snapped both bones in my right arm when I was four, and as a result had to learn to use my left. I still write, play guitar, and primarily eat right-handed, but I bat, throw, and brush my teeth lefty, and can paint equally well with both hands (which is to say, not well at all.) I tend toward the left foot in soccer, too, but my right is almost as strong. Or was, back when I could still be persuaded to get off the couch every once in awhile. (NOTE TO MY LOVING COMMENTERS: Don't bother asking which hand I diddle myself with. That's an unimaginative question. I expect more from you.)

  2. I was Little Miss Boulder County. Yep. I was on the road to Jon-Benet Land for awhile there, from ages four to six or so. I was winning, too. Tied for first place in a talent competition with the first and only stand-up comedy routine I have ever performed. The problem was that I hated dresses and girly things. At seven, I quit pageants to play little league baseball. My mom was heartbroken.

  3. I'm scared of grasshoppers. We had this huge, horrible infestation of them the summer I was seven. The back yard was so carpeted with fucking grasshoppers that it crunched when you walked across it. They covered the back of the house, including the outside of the back door and the doorknob, so they got inside every time one went in or out. Do you have any idea how huge those bastards can get? And they spit that nasty tobacco juice shit all over you...iiiiiiiick. I can chase down a roach the size of my foot and kick its arthropodic ass, but show me a grasshopper and I get squealy.

  4. I was in a Kevin Costner movie. My dad and I were extras in American Flyers. It pretty well sucks. But I got to meet John Amos, who was completely awesome and seemed extremely large to me at the time.

  5. I was overweight and distinctly unattractive from ages 13 to 19. I'm neither now, but I still walk around feeling like a fat, ugly kid half the time. Especially in New York. Oof. I think I'd feel better if I moved to the Midwest and wasn't surrounded by 23-year-old stick figures with flawless faces all the time. Jesus christ, enough with the models already.

  6. I have consumed damn near every illicit substance known to man at one time or the other, with the exceptions of cocaine and meth, neither of which will ever pass my mucous membranes. The first half of that statement shocks no one, I'm sure. Some may doubt the second half. All I can say to them is...well, fuck you.

  7. I have never, ever shoplifted anything in my life. I may have a felonious nature, but I don't steal shit from stores. In fact, a Best Buy clerk once forgot to charge me for a $30 telephone, and when I realized the mistake, I made the 45-minute drive back to the store to pay for it. Then I called my mother and told her she had raised me all wrong.

  8. I detest Ray Liotta with every strand of my DNA. I'd tell you why if I really knew, but I don't. I'm just deeply Liottaphobic. Fuck you, Ray!

  9. I attract sociopaths. If you've ever had any desire to date/fuck me, you probably are one, and should have yourself committed to a psychiatric facility before you commit a(nother) crime against humanity. Seen Girl, Interrupted? Yeah, you're Angelina Jolie's character. Now get the fuck away from me.

  10. Yes, it was me. Oops. Sorry 'bout that. What can I say? I'm a vegetarian. Lots of legumes and whatnot.

There you go. I guess I'm supposed to tag some other folks, or something? Sigh. Okay. about Earl, and P/O ('cause he hasn't been around much, and CSCFON. Yeah. Bring it, bitches.


Blogger Da Nator said...

I'm sorry for all the crap that's been going on for you lately, darlin'. It was nice to learn more about the Mysterious Ms. Damnation, though. I hope things get better for you, and you actually get a vacation...

"Which hand I diddle [your]self with?" Do you really use something so pedestrian as your hand? ;o)

5:02 PM  
Blogger Timothy J said...

Craig is going to be very disappointed about you not showing up tonight.

5:13 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy/Buzzsaw Pete said...

'I was overweight and distinctly unattractive from ages 13 to 19. I'm neither now, but I still walk around feeling like a fat, ugly kid half the time.'

-- I think we all feel that way.

The way you are about Ray Liotta, is the way I am about Nick Cage, Sean Connery, and Keanu Reeves.

Do you remember when we had that major infestation of moths one summer. They made my skin crawl everytime I saw them blanketing soda machines at night.

5:52 PM  
Blogger evilganome said...

Sorry to hear the life craptastic is interfering with your vacation. That sucks out loud. I only liked Ray Liotta as Melanie Griffiths psycho ex-husband in "Something Wild". I also sympathize with the nerdy unattractive teenager thing. I was down right scary. I hope things start looking up soon darlin'!

8:38 PM  
Blogger Shan said...

I totally agree with you on No. 7.
It was good learning more about the elusive Ms. Felon I have to admit.

But I think my music meme tag thingamy that I forced you to do a year ago was pretty fun too. Wasn't it?

11:23 PM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Nator:See, that's what I'm talking about. Way to set the bar, sister! I'm not gonna answer that, but I appreciate it nonetheless.

Tim:Yeah, I'm sure the whole band cried their way through the set last night because I wasn't there. Sigh.

Big Daddy: You better be nice to Keanu at our wedding.

Evil:No worries, love. I'm doing fine. I refuse, however, to believe that you were ever anything other than a sexy beast.

Shan:The music tag was actually fun, I'll admit. Not that I like that kind of thing. Don't go giving people idears.

9:12 AM  
Blogger David said...

That was awesomeness!

1:36 PM  
Blogger Big Ass Belle said...

well i thought we were sisters until i hit the part about no cocaine and no meth. girl. gracious.

see? you're precious and funny and grand. thank you ~ loved it. such a cutie pie.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Big Ass Belle said...

grasshoppers . . . eeeew. for me it was moths. a cabin full of them one weekend, fires in 55 gallon drums, dusty nasty flutter bugs hurling themselves into the fire, in my hair, my thongs, everything. i've abandoned my car before to escape them. hate. moths. hate them.

the sociopath thing. yup.

1:50 PM  
Blogger rodger said...

Grasshoppers I can handle, roaches make me scream like girl. We'd be the perfect couple except I'd have to commit myself.

Then again there's that little gay matter...

6:21 PM  
Blogger Earl Cootie said...

Aha. Clever ruse to get me to comment. Well, I'm onto your game, Missy, and you will not succeed. I refuse to -
Oh, wait.

Sorry for your spate of craptacity. Hope things are on the upshwing.

9:21 PM  
Anonymous ivan said...

Funny, I broke my right arm--or rather, my brother inadvertently broke my arm, by pushing me off our bunk bed--when I was four also! I remember the crayons coloring the palm of my cast, so I started coloring with my left hand. Today, my right-handed cursive slants as if written by a south paw, and I deal and hold playing cards left handed and sometimes I find myself holding and doodling with pens with my left hand. And my left hand is my cocktail-holding hand, too. I would ask which hand you diddle with, but I know you expect more from me. Silly you.

11:03 PM  
Blogger Evil Dildo said...

Ray Liotta was insanely ridiculous in Hannibal that I felt strangely victorious for Lecter when he began cutting off the skull. Incidentally, he looks like Jocelyn Wildenstein ( the one who had years and years of cosmetic fuck-ups that she ended up looking like roadkill catwoman).

If you attract sociopaths, a girl friend of mine attracts faggots like flies on dogshit. Insanely pretty and bright, I've always eyed her from afar. Uhm, does that mean...

12:49 AM  
Blogger GayProf said...

I am sorry that things are kinda sucking for you right now.

I feel what you are putting down about Liotta. I have similar inexplicable disdain for Nicolas Cage (that fucker).

No matter what new and complicated chemicals people come up with, time and time again we all just return to liquor.

11:26 AM  
Blogger missbhavens said...

Ha! I'm right there with you on #6. No one believes me, either.

4:17 AM  
Blogger Da Nator said...

So, how are you today, girl?

I agree with the zeitgeist: Keanu and Cage are worse than Liotta. Tom Cruise is up there, too.

I'm also disappointed that no-one has mentioned cicadas. I had a minor incident with one as a kid, and they've squicked me out ever since.

6:01 AM  
Anonymous Tater said...

That was thoroughly enjoyable! I am somewhat ambidextrous, in that I diddle myself with both hands, and sometimes with other people's hands as well. I snowboard left foot forward, which is backwards for a lefty. I love that you grew up in Boulder, it's one of the towns I have always wanted to live in (especially when I was a practicing pothead). I am saddened by the beauty pageant thang, but you wised up so quickly that I was smiling to myself, and laughing at your mom's heartbreak (just a little though). I totally would have ditched school with you to drive to the seedier parts of Denver to score drugs and shop at trashy stores. If you ever get to Chicago, I am hereby offering to take you out and get you plastered, just for the stories you would tell...

6:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

here, here tater, for the double diddlin digits...

helen- BOULDER! oh yes yes yes.

i grew up there. i visited a couple years ago in the summer, and rented a bike so i could 'see' my old hometown from as youthful eyes as possible. even found my elementary school, and...i shit you not...there was a picture of me and my classmates still on the fucking wall! i'm like mid-30s now. looking at 8year old me staring out of an old photo, was adorable...i grew up on mapleton st., did a little casy jr high and boulder high, before running off to another fucking hippy town. *sigh*

thanks for the moment to reminisce.

like yr blog.

hope your don't feel like shite much longer.

here's something for cheering:
live, may 2006
hope you feelz better.

3:30 AM  

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