Friday, April 27, 2007

U.S.C. in da house

What up, yo?

I should introduce myself...I'm Helen's upper spinal column. Nicetameetcha.

Why is Helen's upper spinal column guest blogging in the Ninth Circle, you ask?

Weeeeellll...I guess I just got sick of that drunken little hussy and her crazy livin', so I kinda took over the body for awhile. I put the word out to seven of my vertebrae to start an insurrection, so four of them locked up tighter than Mother Teresa's britches, and the other three jumped out in different directions like white people attempting to step dance. That sure as hell shut Helen up but good. Except for the moans of pain and whatnot, that is. For the last week, Miss Mouthypants has been flat on her back. And for once, it was for a reason other than, uh...well, you know. Ahem.

So anyway, that bastard physical therapist of hers managed to snap one of my boys back in line today, which has temporarily enabled Helen to sit upright for more than 20 minutes without crying. Son of a... But worry not, I'm still conspiring with my vertebrae, and we're working hard to ensure she's on her back again, just in time to ruin her vacation. I'm so awesome.

Did I mention that I already cost her free tickets to see The Killers from her firm's corporate luxury box? Oh yeah. I totally did. Who's the big winner? Upper Spinal Column, bitches!

That said, I doubt you'll be hearing from her again for a minute. Little crackhead looooooves those muscle relaxers that the doctor gave her, so she'll probably be too busy drooling and giggling to blog much.

She may not let me blog again once she gets better...vindictive little I'll say peace out to y'all. Cross your fingers that she doesn't get all crazy and try to make me exercise, or something, once she's back on her feet. I shudder at the very thought...and hey, that shuddering seems to cause her pain! Woooooooo!

USC out.


Blogger Big Daddy/Buzzsaw Pete said...


Tell Helen I hope she gets better.

8:41 PM  
Anonymous Tater said...

Nah baby, you just need 2 or three hydrocodones, a rented wheel chair and a cherubic face, and you can score a front and center seat for The Killers. Threaten a lawsuit if any one blocks your killer view. When given lemons by that bitch USC, you need to make a lemon drop martini and get your groove on.

11:58 PM  
Anonymous Yen said...

Oh gawd! You poor dear.. Glad to see your sense of humor still virile.
Um, if you want some of Jesse's painkillers... we have the best shit. :)

12:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

miss helen, that may be, without a doubt, the most wonderfully cracked out, most likely partially drug-induced posting i have read, comma, ever.

and not knowing you well, i hate to laugh at your pain, as i like you a fair bit, so far as i can tell.

so by proxy, i will laugh at this post, authored by your mutinous Upper Spinal Column, and wish you a speedy recovery.

a member of the "helen's texas audience contingent,"


4:11 AM  
Blogger evilganome said...

Don't tell me, you were doing something wild and exciting like getting out of a chair when you threw your back out. Whose bright idea was this walking upright, anyway?

6:02 AM  
Blogger Da Nator said...

Oh, CRAP. Listen hon, you take all the pain meds you need and feel better. And take it from me: it will get better. I've got years of wily vertebrae wrangling experience, including surgery, to back me up.

E me if you need to vent (and are cognizant and able to type).

8:29 AM  
Blogger yellow_mustard_girl said...

Being a dusty and brittle crone, I can commiserate with back pain. I often pull a large, important muscle in my back when, say, getting out of my car, or bending over to pick up the remote.

I hear regular exercise or perhaps even light stretching can alleviate this, but, come ON. Who has time when 30 Rock is on!??!

But still, a big FU to USC and hope Helen feels better.

4:30 PM  
Blogger GayProf said...

Remember what GayProf always says: If life gives you lemons, figure out ways to squeeze acid into other people's eyes.

I hope you feel better.

4:33 PM  
Blogger BigAssBelle said...

well hell. hope you get back in action soon. boo. back trouble. boo.

7:03 PM  
Blogger John said...

Back trouble, eh? Looks like I'll have to put the harnesses away for least until you get better. We're taking painkillers in your honor tonight, bitches.

9:48 PM  
Blogger Laurie said...

OK, I just spit my V-8 Juice all over my laptop. You are too funny.

11:55 PM  
Anonymous ivan said...

But drooling and giggling is what we enjoy best from 9C o' H! Are you sure this isn't a health insurance scam to lie around the house? If so, it's brilliant!

But seriously USC, cut the girl some slack.

11:20 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

I just recently had a debilitating injury.

It was a really bad paper cut and it took days to heal.

Feel better.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Red7Eric said...

Ha! Sorry, Helen, but that was some seriously funny $#!t.

Will other body parts be granted guest blogging rights in future? "Hello, this is Helen's vagina, reporting live from a seedy sex club in the Lower East Side ..."

THAT would be AWESOME.

10:05 AM  
Blogger Big Daddy/Buzzsaw Pete said...

That so reminds me of 'Fight Club'

'I am Jack's colon.'

4:43 PM  
Anonymous Tater said...

Feeling better yet? Sorry for your pain. :(

10:07 AM  
Blogger David said...

Would it be inappropriate to break into a rendition of "Baby Got Back"?

3:54 PM  
Blogger Shan said...

Whoops that sounds painful. Hope you feel better soon.

It could have been worse. We could have been hearing from your sphincter instead.

Now that would make for a fascinating read, I reckon.

9:37 PM  
Blogger Da Nator said...

Hey, girl - how you doin'? Ain't you better, yet? I think it's time to ramp up your meds.


8:54 PM  

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