It doesn't have to be an exciting job, or even terribly fulfilling...just something that pays me at least $500 a month more than I make now, and doesn't involve showing anyone my vagina. This change will facilitate several necessary betterments in my world, namely allowing me to move into a decent apartment/neighborhood, pay some exorbitant veterinary bills, and slurp up enough high end single-malt scotch to pickle my organs, thereby rendering me immortal.
I have outstanding qualifications. No, really. I'll send you my resume if you want.
In the meantime, please consider...
- Making enemies (ask anyone)
- Celebrity-related humiliation
- Belching (alphabet up to J, animal noises upon request)
- Dating the wrong people
- Blackout drinking
- Grossly inappropriate double entendre
- Creative use of foul language (suck my dirtshoot, goatfucker!)
- Getting stuff off the bottom shelves
- Excuse generation
- Expert faghaggery (30 years experience)
- Time obliteration
- Unintentional celibacy
- Quantitative pizza consumption
As always, thank you for your ongoing support. Operators are standing by.