Available immediately...
Help me out here, kids. I need a new job. (I know Tommy Boy's is available, but that would involve relocation, so I'll have to pass.)
It doesn't have to be an exciting job, or even terribly fulfilling...just something that pays me at least $500 a month more than I make now, and doesn't involve showing anyone my vagina. This change will facilitate several necessary betterments in my world, namely allowing me to move into a decent apartment/neighborhood, pay some exorbitant veterinary bills, and slurp up enough high end single-malt scotch to pickle my organs, thereby rendering me immortal.
I have outstanding qualifications. No, really. I'll send you my resume if you want.
In the meantime, please consider...
Special skills:
It doesn't have to be an exciting job, or even terribly fulfilling...just something that pays me at least $500 a month more than I make now, and doesn't involve showing anyone my vagina. This change will facilitate several necessary betterments in my world, namely allowing me to move into a decent apartment/neighborhood, pay some exorbitant veterinary bills, and slurp up enough high end single-malt scotch to pickle my organs, thereby rendering me immortal.
I have outstanding qualifications. No, really. I'll send you my resume if you want.
In the meantime, please consider...
Special skills:
- Making enemies (ask anyone)
- Celebrity-related humiliation
- Belching (alphabet up to J, animal noises upon request)
- Dating the wrong people
- Blogwhoring
- Blackout drinking
- Grossly inappropriate double entendre
- Creative use of foul language (suck my dirtshoot, goatfucker!)
- Instigation
- Pimping/pandering
- Getting stuff off the bottom shelves
- Excuse generation
- Expert faghaggery (30 years experience)
- Time obliteration
- Unintentional celibacy
- Quantitative pizza consumption
References readily furnished upon request.
As always, thank you for your ongoing support. Operators are standing by.
posted by Helen the Felon at 4:23 PM
6 Comments:
You may not like it, but I think your Special Skills make you a viable candidate for governor of Texas. Though we may need to substitute "blogwhoring" for actual whoring. At least, that's how Rick Perry seems to have got the job.
Think about it -- You could easily lock the gay vote. That would give you at least 15 votes. For the rest of the folk, say something about loving NASCAR and how you think crude oil should be served to school children as a breakfast option. End your campaign by highlighting your chest area and you would win hands down!
¡Viva Helen!
I think I can get you the black vote too in Texas.
Don't forget double penetration. It's a skill you should be proud of. Oh and being a psychiatrist and never charging, if you charged me you wouldn't need another job.
I haven't worked in over a year. Take a number.
double entedndres a very under appreciated skill
Hey Brooklyn...Long Island in the house! That's quite the resume', I'll tell you. Your sure to get a job in Manhattan. Great blog, I'll be back!!
I say novelist.
you are most qualified.
Post a Comment
<< Home