Helen Meets the Film Actors' Guild (F.A.G.)

I'm not a big fan of understatements. Thus, I won't say that last night "got a little crazy." Utterly surreal, more like it. I was gonna go into it in excruciating detail, but instead, I'm gonna go with a bulleted list of the highlights, so I have room for something much more hysterical (and stupid, of course.) So, last night...here goes:

• Watched an extremely nervous, slightly awkward, and startlingly tall Tim Robbins rip through a set of Neil Young-esque left-wing political rock with his band, Gob Roberts. Their finale was a song in which the chorus was "Fuck the FCC/Fuck the CIA/Fuck the FBI, Livin' in the motherfuckin' USA!" (Remember that...you'll need it later. ) All told, it was pretty awesome.


• Became that annoying asshole that says something loud during a quiet moment in a band's set (but hey, it made Tim laugh, so whatever.)


• Met Tim's lovely wife, Susan Sarandon (!) and gushed like a dipshit. She's absolutely gorgeous, by the way. No makeup, wearing a wifebeater, sweats, and a newsboy hat, and stunning. Wow.


• Met Tim & Susan's good friend, MIKE MYERS (schwing!), semi-gushed, and finished our exchange off with "I care for Apple Jacks a great deal." Anyone wanna kill me? I'll pay you. Seriously.


• Was forced to admit that, at 32, I still go retard when attempting to speak to cute boys. The cuter, the tarder. Last night I was George Bush. He's that cute. Woof.


• Sat through a couple of crappy bands to get to the good stuff, and was not disappointed. Jessie Diamond and the Thousand were kick ayse, as usual.


• Unintentionally got kinda shithammered, on account of forgetting to eat dinner. (Which explains the embarrassing star-stalking incidents, at least in part.)

What's more entertaining than any of that, though, is the IM conversation Coco and I had about the whole thing today:

Coco: death by girl scout cookies
Helen: oooooooooh
C: did you know tagalongs are now called "peanut butter patties"? ghey!
H: gross! "pattie" is just a gross effing word. I hate when girls are named Patty
C: it sounds like shit patty
H: hahahaha PATTY
C: cow pie
H: PATTY
C: meat patty
H: I'm gonna start calling myself Patty when we go out
C: oh god
H: what's your name? PATTY
C: patty what
H: and I'll say it like that...PAAAAHTTY! Patty Humperdinck!
C: I'm at a loss
H: hahahahaha I'm hung over
C: me too!
H: I booted last night!
C: this is what happens when you party with Tim Robbins
H: evidently!
C: oh dear
H: he's all hardcore an' shit
C: I had a mcmuffin this morning
H: ooooooooh
C: Tim would have been aghast
H: utterly
C: maybe he would write a song about how bad McDonalds is
to the tune of "keep on rockin in the free world."
H: EATING AT MOTHERFUCKING MAC-DON-ALDS
C: WILL MAKE EVERYONE DIE
FUCK THE ADD
FUCK TOM CRUISE AND KATIE
H: FUCK THE HAMBURGLAR
FUCK GRIMACE TOO
C: FUCK THEM IN THE PATTY
H: glurk!

Well, we were amused, anyway.

Cameraphone photos, courtesy of Miss Kit Lee:

I think this was when he was singing his soon-to-be classic ballad entitled "I Get to Have Sex with Susan Sarandon and You Don't, Bitches!"