Thursday, November 10, 2005

Helen Meets the Film Actors' Guild (F.A.G.)

I'm not a big fan of understatements. Thus, I won't say that last night "got a little crazy." Utterly surreal, more like it. I was gonna go into it in excruciating detail, but instead, I'm gonna go with a bulleted list of the highlights, so I have room for something much more hysterical (and stupid, of course.) So, last goes:

  • Watched an extremely nervous, slightly awkward, and startlingly tall Tim Robbins rip through a set of Neil Young-esque left-wing political rock with his band, Gob Roberts. Their finale was a song in which the chorus was "Fuck the FCC/Fuck the CIA/Fuck the FBI, Livin' in the motherfuckin' USA!" (Remember'll need it later. ) All told, it was pretty awesome.

  • Became that annoying asshole that says something loud during a quiet moment in a band's set (but hey, it made Tim laugh, so whatever.)

  • Met Tim's lovely wife, Susan Sarandon (!) and gushed like a dipshit. She's absolutely gorgeous, by the way. No makeup, wearing a wifebeater, sweats, and a newsboy hat, and stunning. Wow.

  • Met Tim & Susan's good friend, MIKE MYERS (schwing!), semi-gushed, and finished our exchange off with "I care for Apple Jacks a great deal." Anyone wanna kill me? I'll pay you. Seriously.

  • Was forced to admit that, at 32, I still go retard when attempting to speak to cute boys. The cuter, the tarder. Last night I was George Bush. He's that cute. Woof.

  • Sat through a couple of crappy bands to get to the good stuff, and was not disappointed. Jessie Diamond and the Thousand were kick ayse, as usual.

  • Unintentionally got kinda shithammered, on account of forgetting to eat dinner. (Which explains the embarrassing star-stalking incidents, at least in part.)

What's more entertaining than any of that, though, is the IM conversation Coco and I had about the whole thing today:

Coco: death by girl scout cookies
Helen: oooooooooh
C: did you know tagalongs are now called "peanut butter patties"? ghey!
H: gross! "pattie" is just a gross effing word. I hate when girls are named Patty
C: it sounds like shit patty
H: hahahaha PATTY
C: cow pie
C: meat patty
H: I'm gonna start calling myself Patty when we go out
C: oh god
H: what's your name? PATTY
C: patty what
H: and I'll say it like that...PAAAAHTTY! Patty Humperdinck!
C: I'm at a loss
H: hahahahaha I'm hung over
C: me too!
H: I booted last night!
C: this is what happens when you party with Tim Robbins
H: evidently!
C: oh dear
H: he's all hardcore an' shit
C: I had a mcmuffin this morning
H: ooooooooh
C: Tim would have been aghast
H: utterly
C: maybe he would write a song about how bad McDonalds is
to the tune of "keep on rockin in the free world."
H: glurk!

Well, we were amused, anyway.

Cameraphone photos, courtesy of Miss Kit Lee:

I think this was when he was singing his soon-to-be classic ballad entitled "I Get to Have Sex with Susan Sarandon and You Don't, Bitches!"


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was forced to admit that, at 32, I still go retard when attempting to speak to cute boys. The cuter, the tarder. Last night I was George Bush. He's that cute. Woof.

who was he?

6:55 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

If I met Tim and Susan, I would turn into a complete stuttering *ssh*le. Seriously.

Susan was my FIRST girly crush, when I was... oh, god... I don't even remember. A long time ago. She is absolutely amazing. And I love her and Tim together.

I am so so so so so so jealous.

8:17 AM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Anonymous: I'm pretty certain that The Cute One knows who he is. (And if you're Mike Myers...sorry Mike, it wasn't you. You were cute and all, but not my type. Thanks though! Really!)

Anna: Susan is definitely girl-crush worthy, and then some. And, for the record, it's okay to say "asshole" in my comments.

10:46 AM  
Blogger c said...

Since our mutual idiocy in each others' presence is more or less a given, does that mean we have crushes on each other? Perhaps we should grab Susan and head over to the 'stache party.


12:15 PM  
Anonymous js said...

I have a girl crush on Susan too...

12:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Girl crushes are hot.

9:38 PM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Coco:Yes, yes it does. And yes, yes we should. Maybe we can bring H. back to the girls' team with Susan as bait.

js:I'm telling your wife.

Dirty:Girl crushes are hot...getting crushed on is hotter.

2:05 PM  
Anonymous Glenn said...

"the cuter, the tarder."

That's the best thing all day.

3:28 PM  
Anonymous Chris said...

The "Fuck the FCC" song is originally by Steve Earle -- he sang it last summer at the ACLU national conference. It was a big hit with all the radical grannies!

12:27 AM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Glenn: I do these things just for you.

Chris: Someone pointed that fact out to me the day after. I guess my retardation that night was more pervasive than I thought. Hard to imagine, I know.

12:18 PM  
Anonymous Chris said...

Aw, don't feel bad for not knowing that! It's kind of an obscure song, after all.

2:12 PM  

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