Thursday, June 02, 2005

Lord of the Rims?

Okay. I have now, finally, seen the Lord of the Rings movies. All three of them. Extended versions, even (thanks to my roomie Jenn.) That's like, 56 hours of LOTR, or something. It may be years too late already, but I have to I get what all those nerds have been carrying on about at such length. I'm down. I also get the Orlando Bloom thing. Never been much into him, but that's one sexy elf. Dang. And I loved the dirty, drunken, farting little dwarf, too, because (in case you hadn't noticed) I'm completely juvenile.

I would be remiss, however, not to mention that these may be the most insanely gay mainstream films I've ever seen. [insert obligatory notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat here] I mean, seriously...Frodo and Sam were SOOOO having nasty halfling man sex. That whole bit at the very end, when Frodo wrote to Sam about no longer being torn in two...yeah. Loosely interpreted (forgive the pun): "You don't have to lie to your wife anymore about going to the tavern for an ale while you're really pounding my Hobbit hole, baby. I'm off to a dwarf-friendly circuit party that lasts for all eternity!" The irony of Ian McKellen, who may be the nelliest mary on the planet (sorry, Joel), playing the straightest role in the films Amazing. (And he was fucking magnificent, by the way. You GO, Gandalf!) The rings? Clearly representative of mansphincters. Makes so much more sense now. Tolkien was a closet case, no doubt in my mind.

Commence with the making fun of me for being so stunningly behind the cinematic eight ball. G'head. But you know I'm right.


Anonymous joshuAli said...

It's also a scary alagory for married dudes. Once the ring is on his finger he's invisible and gets accosted by ghostly figures. Once invisible he can only be seen by this evil eye shaped like a vagina. This vagina eye can modivate hordes of orcs, control powerful wizard and make junkies out of cute little hobbits. It's a fine thing being with the one you love, just don't show this at a bachelor party.

7:22 PM  
Blogger farmboyz said...

Tolkien was not a closet case. I slept with him often. All of London knew about our dalliance. We used to make love in public, at Harrod's especially. There's hardly a rug or an escalator that is not stained with the pearlescent fruit of our entanglement. It's old news. Stale, really. I've burned all his letters.

9:31 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

No judging from me (hello, I JUST saw the Goonies), but I'm so glad that you saw and liked the movies - they are so freakin' cool. I'm also psyched that you saw the extended versions, because I also own them and they are SO worth the extra couple of hours.

As for the gayness... I guess I see what you're saying. But I still choose to think of it (specifically Frodo & Sam's relationship) as being more of a child-like purity thing. Cuz hobbit sex just doesn't sound hot.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Dotty said...

I knew that evil eye was supposed to represent a vagina with a scary dose of fiery fanny. Which is another indicator that they ARE having unsexy Hobbit sex when Gollum is off munching on raw fish.

12:17 PM  
Anonymous Big Dan said...

I'm afraid of vaginas now!

Also, the sex between hobbits probably is sexy. I like a little man with big hairy feet and a healthy appetite for food and beer. Sam's "Rosie" kind looked like a man/pig in a dress. Come to think of it, WERE there any other hobbit broads? I also want to float another theory out there about heterosexual hobbit sex and how they prevent it. See when your a hobbit and you have sex with a female of ANY species you turn into an ugly little bastard like Gollum. Who wants to be a hairless little "fish" eater?? Answer me that!

2:04 PM  
Anonymous Glenn said...

The hobbits were really, really gay. The gayest (not good gay, but bad gay) moment is at the end when Frodo is in bed. He shouts in the gayest voice, "Gandalf!!??!" and then all the hobbits jump on the bed for an orgy. Gandalf strides into the room handling his huge staff, and it just goes downhill from there.

11:18 PM  
Anonymous charles said...

Gandolf is so a masc. top. When he was tumbling around with the balrog of Moria, driving his big sword into the beast's thick red crust? H-O-T.

PS - I found you some secret diaries for further research: (

12:57 PM  
Blogger Aethlos said...

i wish i could get my brain around the LOTR insanity... i wish i could like it... i wish i could see the magic... but after countless hours obstinately engaged in studying the films and stories and characters... i find that i detest the entire mythology... eek. I find that i would rather watch grass grow... or paint dry.. than watch the LOTR. I think i'm all fucked up.

1:50 PM  

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