Thursday, March 23, 2006

Reproduction = bad idea

Imagine if you will...

Exhausting day at work. Long, frustrating commute home to the picket-fenced suburban domicile. The standard-issue working mom trudges in the door, slips off her Nine West mid-heeled pumps, and slumps into a celadon microsuede Pottery Barn chair with a huge, chest-heaving sigh.

The inevitable thumpita-thumpita of little feet in absurdly expensive sweatshop-made sneakers ensues.

"Mommy, Mommy! Guess what! I know what I want for my birthday, and it only costs five hunnert dollars!"

Mommy's head lolls resignedly toward the sound of her offspring's voice, one eyebrow raised in Spock-like incredulity.

"Five hundred dollars, huh? That's pretty pricey, [insert pretentious suburban child name of your choice here]. What is it that you want? And hello, by the way."

"I want the Ghostface Killah Doll, Mommy!"

Mommy sits up, face now screwed into an expression of extreme bewilderment, bordering on horror. Her child stares up at her, eyes gleaming with anticipation, mouth dangling open, not quite drooling.

"What the hell? You want me spend five hundred dollars on a Wu-Tang action figure? Is that what you're telling me?"

"WU-TANG MOMMY, WU-TANG! You can get it on the internet!" The child is jumping up and down gleefully now. "You said the h-word, Mommy."

Inside, she wonders in alarm where and when she went so profoundly wrong. How is it that her child became familiar with Wu-Tang? Her thoughts begin to drift back...back to the booze-soaked, carefree days of her single life, when the then-beloved Wu-Tang Clan provided background music for endless bar crawls and a blurry succession of one night stands...

Mommy jerks herself back to reality with a decisive shake of her dyed-blonde head.

"You know that you're turning six, right? No. Not a chance. Absolutely not."

The jumping abruptly ceases and is immediately replaced by wide-eyed lip-quivering.

"But MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMY...I want the Ghostface Killah doll!"

"Not happening, kiddo."

"But MOMMY! The child's voice has taken on the familiar wheedling whine of attempted persuasion/coercion. "He says real cool stuff!"

Mommy pauses, momentarily gripped by morbid curiousity.

"Yeah? Like what?"

A glimmer of hope crosses the child's face. There is no hesitation.

"'Yo bitch, I fucked your friend ya you stank ho!'"

Mommy, needless to say, finds herself incapable of speech.

"Daddy already said I could have it!"


Thank you, Popbitch, both for the link, and for the added incentive to buy condoms. Lots and lots of condoms.

9 Comments:

Blogger Greg said...

I guess it's better than the pregnant Britany Spears doll with accompanying Kevin Federline CD....

1:48 PM  
Blogger GayProf said...

For $500? That price better include an authentic drive-by where Ghostface Killah will wound my child for extra street-cred.

4:19 PM  
Blogger MEK the Bear said...

Well, it's one thing to complain about your kids Helen, but what kind of man did you marry and/or have kids with that would tell your rugrats they could have that doll? Sheesh, I thought you were more discriminating than that!

4:36 PM  
Blogger Earl Cootie said...

No, Daddy did not tell little Emily/Jacob that s/he could have it. Daddy told little Madison/Joshua "Go ask yo motha."

8:41 PM  
Blogger missbhavens said...

First comes the doll, then the next thing you know the little tike is going to want one of those hideous Scions to drive around on his 16th birthday.

Kids these days...hmmmpf.

I'm doubling my Triphasil dose.

1:38 AM  
Blogger Shan said...

I wonder if there will ever be a Porno Talking Barbie Doll...*ponders*...

2:48 AM  
Blogger Limecrete said...

Lots and lots of condoms.

Becky: Don't condoms kill the mood?

Roseanne: Not as much as a screaming baby with a loaded diaper.

11:46 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

Funniest. Thing. Ever.

Also, perhaps not-so-coincidentally, the scariest thing ever.

No wonder I don't think I want kids.

1:10 PM  
Anonymous jen said...

so...is it wrong if i now want one? I mean really, who hasn't listened to Wu-Tang and wanted a portable version of GFK? I need to slice a ho and jack enough chedda to get one.

10:04 PM  

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