Enjoy your big day while you can, princess, because Karma is real whether you believe in it or not.
To William F: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Mama loves you, my delicious little chocolate morsel. Wish you were here! Sorry they scheduled the inauguration on your special day...don't let that ruin it for you.
To Aaron "Gurn" Lazar: I hereby forbid you to ever, EVER have another fucking heart attack ever, EVER again. Thank you for your cooperation. Motherfucker. (heart)
To those of you looking for way to forget today's cavalcade of the criminally rich and stupid: Christian, CBass, J-Dawg, myself, and a host of others will be spending the evening at East of Eighth with the inimitable Hedda Lettuce, who will undoubtedly make it all go away. (And if she can't do it, I'm sure the $5 appletinis can.)
NOTE: I strongly suggest that you read the "Do's and Don'ts" section of Hedda's site, in order to ensure that you don't end up getting stabbed in the forehead with a size 10 Prada stiletto. The bitch don't play. God, but I love her.
**Special thanks to Ice-T, from whom the style and sentiment of this particular foul-mouthed tirade were respectfully borrowed.