Monday, November 20, 2006

Dear Miss Manners...

A hypothetical scenario, requiring your input:

Older, respectable higher-up type from your company gets in the elevator with you and three or four others on a Monday morning. He stands in front of you, and turns to his left to speak to a colleague. When he turns back to face the front of the elevator, you notice that the prominent bald spot on the back of his head has been painted over with some sort of bubbly beige-colored goo which closely resembles something your cat barfed up over the weekend.

The proper response is:

  1. "Good morning, sir! My, that's some Great Looking Hair!"

  2. Silence + the best fake smile you can muster while chomping on your tongue

  3. Silent prayer thanking god for the spare panties in your desk drawer, as present pair has been mildly soiled

  4. Make eye contact with fellow elevator occupant, draw his/her attention to the head in question, and struggle together to suppress horrified giggles

  5. Avoid eye contact with all fellow elevator occupants completely, with knowledge that shared horrified giggles will be far, far more difficult to suppress

  6. Do the old guy a favor by farting loudly and excusing yourself, red-faced, thereby trumping his humiliation

  7. 2 + 3

  8. 2 + 3 + 5

  9. 3 + 4

  10. Other (please be specific)

Confidential responses will be accepted here.

Your thoughtful participation is greatly appreciated.


Blogger Big Daddy said...

11. Take a picture of it on your cameraphone. Post it on your blog, and it gets distributed via the interwebs.

5:34 PM  
Blogger Red7Eric said...

11a. Make sure that older respectable higher-up finds out about it, and ... BLACKMAIL, baby. (Oh, yeeeeeah ...)

7:57 PM  
Anonymous js said...

There are levels of male balding I am looking forward to in my old age. I plan to start with the front sweep, moving on to the minor comb over and finally the full comb over like my grandpa. I will do this not to ‘fool’ anyone but to enrage people who imagine I believe I am fooling them. I would only stoop to trying the GLH hair spray as a desperate attempt for attention, if I don’t get enough negative reaction from my crappy comb over.

3:45 PM  
Blogger GayProf said...

Quietly slip some Hair Club for Men informational literature under his door. Highlight the sections from the guy who is "not just the owner, but also a member."

3:52 PM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

An anonymous Pixie sent this one, my personal favorite, via email...

"12. Recommend through anonymous sticky note on baldie's desk that he may want to consider switching to Judaism so that he can cover the villain bald spot with a stylish yarmulke."

4:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In true mom-fashion, pull out a hanky and thoroughly clean his head with the spit from your mouth.

6:09 PM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Ladies and gentlemen, we may have a winner.

6:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Say, in your best baby voice: Did someone forget to stick on his toupee after he put on the glue this morning? Goo Goo Gaaaa

5:31 AM  

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