I knew Helen when she used to rock-n-roll

I think it's pretty safe to say that whatever rock cred one had accrued is officially part of her past when she buys her first argyle cardigan. Camel-colored argyle. This is for real; I'm wearing it at this very moment. Five years ago, I would have considered slapping the ever-livin' shit out of a girl wearing an argyle cardigan, just on principle.

Tommy Lee and Helen Damnation, circa 2003

It's not the fact that I bought a camel-colored argyle cardigan for work, though...that could be at least partially explained away. Gotta pay the bills, right? No, that's not the problem. The real issue is the fact that I actually like this here cardigan. When I saw it in the store, I wanted it immediately and was tremendously excited when they had it in my size. But you can't blame me, really...I mean come on, it's Italian silk and cashmere, and it's so soft, and...

Yeah, wow, fuck. My days of partying with rock stars are most assuredly over. If it weren't for the fact that my tits are still fairly fantastic, I'd look just like my grandpa in this damned sweater. It's only a matter of time and gravity before people start calling me "sir" and giving up their seats on the subway for the old dude.

Helen Damnation, projected age progression, circa 2015

Next steps: Mom jeans, easy listening, more cats.

Awesome.