Helen Damnation: Model of Efficiency

Today I clipped the coupons from my Saturday New York Times while sitting on the toilet.

My boss asked me to work on my multi-tasking skills.
She'll be so proud.

You know you're losing your shit when...

...you use the squirt-top bottle of Thai hot sauce to write "penis" on your veggie burger in lovely script, and then stand bent over the kitchen counter for ten minutes, chortling like an unmedicated crazy person.

So much for that troublesome maturity I was worried about.

Maturity sucks

"Thank you for calling American Airlines. My name is John Holmes. How may I be of service?"

Not only did I refrain from commenting on the dude's name...I also managed to completely suppress the requisite fit of hysterical giggling.

I've either grown up, become horribly boring, or both.

ps. If this does not make sense to you, you should probably a) Google John Holmes, and b) stop reading my blog immediately, because you're not nearly dirty enough.

Venezuela...fuck yeah!

I so totally wanna make out with Hugo Chavez right now.

Sign One of the Impending Apocalypse

Maybe it's the general air of crappy sadness in New York this week. Maybe it's the profoundly deep personal rut I find myself in for the bazillionth time. Could be the fact that a goofy-looking little douchebag won Rockstar: Supernova last night. Perhaps the antics of our retarded, monkey-faced, cokehead un-President are weighing on my fragile little mind.

It's probably a combination of these factors that has led to my overwhelming sense that we are all just utterly and irrevocably fucked. I see doom hanging over us all, kids. The signs are everywhere, if you look around. Lucky for you I'm paying attention, so you don't have to.

This morning, for example, I saw a very cute gay boy on the subway wearing brown shoes with black pants. A gay boy. In New York.

Yeah, we're in deep doody.

More to come...


Note:
For those of you...mostly straight guys, probably...who just said to yourselves, "Wait...What's wrong with black pants and brown shoes?" Answer: Everything. Trust me.

Five Years Later...

Americans killed on 9/11/01: 2,979

American troops killed in Iraq as of 9/10/06: 2,669

Iraqi security force and civilian deaths as of 9/10/06*: 8,483

Disturbing fact: To some, these numbers mean we're winning.

More disturbing fact: People voted for Bush. Some more than once.

But hey, at least he caught that nasty Osama Bin Laden character, providing some measure of justice for the victims of 9/11 and other terror attacks throughout the world. That counts for something, huh?

Oh, wait...

Heckuva job, Bushie.



*estimation based on news reports

Helen's boob tube

If you know what I'm talking about when I tell you that I love...and I mean LOOOVE, in all ways dirty, clean and otherwise, this girl...


...and that as much as I adore her, I absolutely detest this untalented, unstable, unattractive tool of a "man"...


...then congratulations. You too watch far, far too much television, friend. You're probably pasty white and getting fat like I am, too. We should hook up. Call me.

Which is worse?

Watching a trainwreck...or being a trainwreck?

Discuss.