Helen Damnation, Internet Lesbian
Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are. I mean, I knew I was bisexual, given my keen interest in shagging hot people of both genders. Finding out today that I am, in fact, a lesbian...well, it threw me for a bit of a loop, I tell you whut! There I was, innocently perusing the (sadly short) list of sites that include the Ninth Circle on their blogrolls, when I came upon this new, unfamiliar link. And whaddaya know...there's my site, listed under a heading that reads "Be sure to check out these other great blogs written by lesbians!" It took me a minute. I thought this through very carefully. "Hmmm...Blog is for lesbians...Blogs here are written BY lesbians...my blog is here...I must be a lesbian! Well, I'll be damned!"
I just wish they'd told me sooner. The money I'd have saved on things like birth control and pregnancy tests is just...wow. Staggering. Whew. Of course, had I known, I'd probably have spent twice as much on tampons and Ani DiFranco tickets, so I guess it balances out.
Boy, this is gonna make for a reaaaaaaal interesting conversation with my fantastically stable (snort) family...
Helen: Family o'mine...I have news. I'm a lesbian.
Family: (Gasp) No! Really? How long have you known?
H: I found out on January 16th.
F: Uh...erm...okay. How do you know for sure that you're, um...you know...THE GAY?
H: I read it on the internet. Therefore it must be true.
F: Oh dear. You're right! It must.
H: Yes indeedy. I'm of Lebanese descent.
F: Well, alright. Please god, just don't bring that O'Donnell broad home for supper.
H: No danger of that, believe you me.
So there you have it. Evidently, I'm here and I'm queer, and we're all gonna have to deal with it. No more postings about Adrien Brody. Or Dave Grohl. Or George Clooney, even. Nosiree. From here on out, it's all vagina, all the time!
Not that there's anything wrong with that.