Monday, January 16, 2006

Helen Damnation, Internet Lesbian

Big news, sports fans! Ready?

I'm gay!

Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are. I mean, I knew I was bisexual, given my keen interest in shagging hot people of both genders. Finding out today that I am, in fact, a lesbian...well, it threw me for a bit of a loop, I tell you whut! There I was, innocently perusing the (sadly short) list of sites that include the Ninth Circle on their blogrolls, when I came upon this new, unfamiliar link. And whaddaya know...there's my site, listed under a heading that reads "Be sure to check out these other great blogs written by lesbians!" It took me a minute. I thought this through very carefully. "Hmmm...Blog is for lesbians...Blogs here are written BY blog is here...I must be a lesbian! Well, I'll be damned!"

I just wish they'd told me sooner. The money I'd have saved on things like birth control and pregnancy tests is Staggering. Whew. Of course, had I known, I'd probably have spent twice as much on tampons and Ani DiFranco tickets, so I guess it balances out.

Boy, this is gonna make for a reaaaaaaal interesting conversation with my fantastically stable (snort) family...

Helen: Family o'mine...I have news. I'm a lesbian.

Family: (Gasp) No! Really? How long have you known?

H: I found out on January 16th.

F: Uh...erm...okay. How do you know for sure that you're, know...THE GAY?

H: I read it on the internet. Therefore it must be true.

F: Oh dear. You're right! It must.

H: Yes indeedy. I'm of Lebanese descent.

F: Well, alright. Please god, just don't bring that O'Donnell broad home for supper.

H: No danger of that, believe you me.

So there you have it. Evidently, I'm here and I'm queer, and we're all gonna have to deal with it. No more postings about Adrien Brody. Or Dave Grohl. Or George Clooney, even. Nosiree. From here on out, it's all vagina, all the time!

Not that there's anything wrong with that.


Blogger Big Dan said...

And not once did my gaydar ever trip. I must be losing it. Well, you pretty much have to move to Boston and either move into my house (The House of Lez) or get a job with me in my office. I mean I'm surrounded by lesbians all day, what's one more?? I think even Renee is turning gay, she spends an awful lot of time at my house when I'm not around. She's always "Watching the kids" or "Waiting for yout to get home, honey." And ALWAYS with a smile when I get home.

4:09 PM  
Blogger Earl Cootie said...

Ha! I saw that a couple of days ago. Really, though, that's so exciting. (I wish they had the internet when I was younger. I could have saved myself some poking around in places I shouldn't be.) So will you be moving in with someone soon?

7:25 PM  
Blogger GoldStar Dyke said...

Sorry about the mistake. I think someone sent me your link. I removed it from the site. Again I apologize.

7:44 PM  
Blogger Shan said...

LOL! Congrats. You are THE GAY and you'll have to do the parade all by yourself - hehe Margaret Cho slays me.

3:05 AM  
Blogger Dashiell said...


3:09 AM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

All vagina all th time? Mind if I pull up a chair?

10:52 AM  
Blogger GayProf said...

Hey -- I thought you were going to be my new boyfriend! A lesbian can't be my boyfriend. I feel so betrayed (as does David Grohl, I'm sure).

3:10 PM  
Anonymous Chris said...

Congratulations! Just let me know what address to send the toaster oven to ...

4:36 PM  
Blogger Z.sais said...

Damn joey! you don picked up my sentiments,and channeled them before i even knew they were my sentiments.

4:55 PM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...


Since you shared yer sentiments wit me, maybe Ill share my seat wit you.

Geez, I hope that dont soun too gay.

7:00 PM  
Blogger missbhavens said...

Oh, yeah! Congratulations! Bring on the poon!

3:07 AM  
Anonymous Aaron said...

Sure it's fine to be a Lesbian now when it's all fun and games, but are you going to be there with us when we get sent to the camps?

9:38 AM  
Blogger Sangroncito said...

Congratulations on your new sexual identity! Maybe you'll be consulted next time before being assigned a new one!

10:22 AM  
Blogger Unity said...

Cherish your new internet sexual identity. I am sure your family will love it. But people forget, being gay, lesbian, heterosexual, or bi-sexual is only a matter of sexual preference. Society forgets that love/admiration and respect for Individual(s) is what drives many people.

10:03 AM  

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