During the first 3o minutes of the film: "These nachos are pretty good, but 7-Eleven's are so, SO much better. Mmmmm, nachos. NACHOS!"
During the first bout of Kong action: "How come we can't see his big giant gorilla junk? Wouldn't it just kinda be, you know, bouncing around and stuff? This certainly isn't very realistic..."
During the dinosaur stampede: "No one shit their pants. Come on, SOMEONE would have shit his pants! So much for character development!"
During the girl-and-beast fall-lin-love sequence: "Awwww...This is gonna be real sweet, right up until the twenty-five-foot gorilla wants to mate."
During the scary man-eating worm part: "Holy crap! I'm never going near an uncircumcised wiener again!"
During the ice-sliding scene: "Boy, I bet those big giant gorilla balls are frozen solid. Poor monkey."
During all of Adrien Brody's scenes: "Mr. and Mrs. Adrien Brody. Mrs. Helen Brody. Adrien Brody-Damnation. Adrien and Helen Brody...Wait a minute. Our kids would end up with either my nose, or his. Lose-lose situation. Never mind. Sigh..."
During the part where Naomi Watts climbs the spire of the Empire State Building in a diaphanous white dress: "Boy, bet the shot from beneath her was a doozy."
Throughout the entire three hours: "Hmmmm...Lord of the Rings was rife with ambiguous homosexuality. King Kong, even more so. Peter Jackson...gay gay gay gay gay. But not Adrien Brody. Please god, not Adrien Brody. Just let me HAVE HIM, GOD. I hate you. Sigh."
If you can look past my depravity enough to take my advice...see it in the theater. After that, I defy you to tell me I'm wrong about any of this.