Thursday, January 05, 2006

King Wrong

Inappropriate or otherwise effed up thoughts I had last night during King Kong (which Cool Roomie Jenn took me to see for my birthday, thankyouverymuch):

During the first 3o minutes of the film: "These nachos are pretty good, but 7-Eleven's are so, SO much better. Mmmmm, nachos. NACHOS!"

During the first bout of Kong action: "How come we can't see his big giant gorilla junk? Wouldn't it just kinda be, you know, bouncing around and stuff? This certainly isn't very realistic..."

During the dinosaur stampede: "No one shit their pants. Come on, SOMEONE would have shit his pants! So much for character development!"

During the girl-and-beast fall-lin-love sequence: "Awwww...This is gonna be real sweet, right up until the twenty-five-foot gorilla wants to mate."

During the scary man-eating worm part: "Holy crap! I'm never going near an uncircumcised wiener again!"

During the ice-sliding scene: "Boy, I bet those big giant gorilla balls are frozen solid. Poor monkey."

During all of Adrien Brody's scenes: "Mr. and Mrs. Adrien Brody. Mrs. Helen Brody. Adrien Brody-Damnation. Adrien and Helen Brody...Wait a minute. Our kids would end up with either my nose, or his. Lose-lose situation. Never mind. Sigh..."

During the part where Naomi Watts climbs the spire of the Empire State Building in a diaphanous white dress: "Boy, bet the shot from beneath her was a doozy."

Throughout the entire three hours: "Hmmmm...Lord of the Rings was rife with ambiguous homosexuality. King Kong, even more so. Peter gay gay gay gay. But not Adrien Brody. Please god, not Adrien Brody. Just let me HAVE HIM, GOD. I hate you. Sigh."

If you can look past my depravity enough to take my advice...see it in the theater. After that, I defy you to tell me I'm wrong about any of this.


Blogger Big Dan said...

Oh Helen - You just obviously just need to get laid! All you think about during a movie like that is massive cock and balls? The only time I would have shit my pants is when the locals came out of the caves. Holy christ, that little girl almost gave me nightmares. I did think of the crazy monkey love sex I thought was coming and I laughed. He'd plit that shit right up the middle. Oh and yes, I'm going to hell...

4:48 PM  
Blogger farmboyz said...

For what it's worth, we have never had sex with Adrien Brody. Given our track record, that fact alone bodes well for your dreams. I can really see you two together. You'd have perfect and shimmering children. Girls with voices like the song in the seashell, and boys with eyes like Jamaica.

10:13 PM  
Blogger Joey Polanski said...

Geez! They EMASCULATD Kong? What kinda Queer Eye makeovr is THAT?

An whats next? A remake of The Thing witout a THING?

11:34 PM  
Blogger Shan said...

You know, I've always had those kinds of thoughts but never vocalised them - Thank god I am not alone on this! Thank you!
And yeah, where are his bits and pieces anyway? No giant gorilla genitals anywhere in sight.

11:37 PM  
Blogger Tony said...

Helen, I think the PG rating would have been in jeopardy with your changes. The thing that impressed me most was Naomi Watts' ability to withstand cold. The sliding on ice (which must have been VERY solid BTW) showed how cold it was, but just a few hours later she seems fine in a slinky dress (how good did she look in this movie!) at the top of the Empire State Building!

9:06 AM  
Anonymous Aaron said...

I bet you are an excellent cook. For that reason alone, I think that you should be with Adrian Brody. Because, you know, he's a little thin.

10:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here is another stupid fact drugs have never been able to blot from my memory. As for the monkey parts, gorillas are actually smaller then human males, but we all assume they are really packing some heat. I wonder why that is? So, if a 5 foot Gorilla has 2 inches, a 25 foot gorilla would only have 10 inches. I am assuming there is no one on this chat board that would have a problem with 10 inches of burning monkey love? Dan?

Oh yeah, Aaron, I have tasted Helen's cooking, and unless she has gotten better in the last 5 years, I think take out would be a better choice.

Sorry about the post Helen, I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

12:12 PM  
Anonymous charles said...

I heard that about dinky monkey business, too, anonymous. I was going to find a URL to back it up, but it is quite possible that I could get fired for just thinking of typing "gorilla genitalia" into my browser at work.

12:43 PM  
Blogger Big Dan said...

10 inches seems like enough to me! I still think it's funnier to think of her being torn up by a 4 foot monkey tool.

3:19 PM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Dan: Well yeah, duh. And yes, you are. But we knew that.

Farmboy T: You give me carry on. (No, seriously, you do.)

Joey: Sadly, that's probably exactly what's on the horizon. That, and a Lethal Weapon movie without Danny Glover. The Apocalypse is upon us.

Shan: Thank you for reminding me to add "bits & pieces" to my vocabulary. It's a disappointingly underused phrase here in the states.

Aaron: Sadly, my cooking skills are virtually non-existent (as per Anonymous's statement below.) But that's okay...I like Adrien skinny. And thanks for the vote of confidence! You are always.always.right. I should hate you. And yet...

Charles: Once you get fired, I'll be looking forward to your Memiors of an Ex-Geisha.

Dan: I think you could handle 10 inches, big guy.

4:19 PM  
Blogger missbhavens said...

What? No Kong dong? Then I ain't going.

I was assuming the attention to King-sized Kong parts was WHY the movie was three hours in the first place. Thanks for the warning.

4:47 PM  
Blogger jessica said...

ok that is an effed up thought about the big junk but it is genius, i mean he doesn't wear bottoms so why the hell are we spared the pleasure of glaring at his ginormous sexual organs? tell me why, dammit!
also i think u have a cute nose!

5:34 PM  
Anonymous js said...

sorry Dan I was going to post using my name but I fooed, up. I try not post w/o a name...

7:05 PM  

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