Friday, August 26, 2005

Madame Helen, fortune teller

I'm going out this evening. Yes, yes I am. There will be drinking, stimulating conversation, and much merriment. And I know for certain that no matter where I go, I will be surrounded by stunningly attractive, intelligent, well-mannered, single heterosexual men.

How do I know this, you ask? Is Helen clairvoyant, perhaps?

Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. Yes I am.

You see, today, I developed a Third Eye. And by "Third Eye," I mean "horrible zit, so enormous that I couldn't hide it if I constructed a fucking billboard in front of my face."

My Third Eye tells me the future.

"Helen," it says, "you look like crap on a saltine. So tonight, when you go out with your little friends, there will be hotties everywhere. And they won't be looking at you, honey. Except to snicker about your zit, of course. Have a nice time, bitch!"

Can't hardly wait.


Blogger Mr. H.K. said...

Hm. Glad it wasn't there when I met you last week!



Mr. H.K.
Postcards from Hell's Kitchen
And I Quote Blog

11:17 AM  
Anonymous glenn said...

As your third eye gains in power and strength, maybe it can make predictions for your friends.

I want a zit that can hypnotize people.

5:09 PM  
Blogger Stinkerbelle Rock said...

HA! Great post!

10:42 PM  
Blogger Sangroncito said...

Personally I've always thought that zits have psychic powers. They always appear just before an important occasion. I have a secret and magical power to get rid of them, though: my fingers pressing against their dirty little heads!

3:42 AM  
Anonymous JS said...

I think you are missing somthing important here. You said you would be surronded by single heterosexual men. As long as your zit is smaller then your boobs, it dosn't matter, they will all be quite happy to do ya. I bet if you took a poll you would never find a single guy who would ever let a single zit ever get in the way of anything like that. I'd bet even if it was shooting puss, as long as your rack was out he would not even flinch. Pizza face is another story, however, I think that slows us all down till closing time, of course.

5:58 PM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Wow...JS just won the prize for Grossest Comment Ever. Nice work, man.

And for the record, I did not in fact get any action whatsoever on Friday night. The Third Eye is never wrong, I'm telling you.

9:20 AM  

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