Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Helen's not-so-triumphant return

Let's play a game, wanna? Too bad, you're playing anyway.

This game is called "Name Something Worse Than Getting Food Poisoning On the Day You're Supposed to Return From the Vacation You Spent With Your Parents, and Then Spending a Shitload of Money to Change Your Plane Ticket Because You Couldn't Stop Barfing For Long Enough to Fly!"

This will be

The rules:

  1. No depressing, high-minded, big-picture answers like "the war in Iraq" or "cancer." This is a game, people. Fucking relax already.
  2. That's pretty much the only rule. Rules are stupid anyway.

I'll get you started, but it's all you after that. Here goes...

*Pissing someone else's pants!

*Dad's overt racism!

*Guys with moustaches wearing Oakley Blades & No Fear shirts!

*Oh, shit. This is definitely way, way worse. Wow.

Okay, your turn. Ready go.


Blogger Limecrete said...

*Realizing that Helen won't be participating in the worst-sex-ever WYSIWYG.

10:57 AM  
Blogger Lotuslander said...

Waking up with blue glitter nail polish on, and having to go to work without time to remove it. And no memory of the polish being applied either.Come to think of it, that's not that unusal.

Sorry your vacation was cut short, Helen in Vegas would be a site to behold!

11:25 AM  
Blogger Jesse said...

That really blows. I think your dad and my dad should get together and watch ROOTS.

11:58 AM  
Anonymous js said...

How about being on a plane to Bali for your Honeymoon on 9-11 and being forced down by order of the President in Alaska without any luggage.

We never got to Bali but Homer was cool.

12:37 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Having the guy behind you on a flight, have a heart attack, after you had bartended that night, and partied at after hours that morning.

Then being stuck in Reno on the tarmac as it took them 6 hours total to get the guy off, and get clearance to take off.

A flight that was supposed to be 2 hours, turned in to a 9 hour ordeal.

You still win though.

3:09 PM  
Blogger Red7Eric said...

How about being Mrs. Ted Haggard ... ?

7:52 PM  
Blogger Da Nator said...

Any SciFi original movie. Don't believe me? Go watch Grendel.

Sorry you had such a sucky trip, doll. Good to have you back, though.

8:31 PM  
Blogger GayProf said...

I dunno. Maybe having to look at your Shitbird's decaying figure walking around?

12:14 PM  
Anonymous JaneDoughnut said...

Suffering a lip-waxing accident the day before you are supposed to have a bit role in a movie.

Yeah, iamb sofa king re todd ed.

9:02 PM  
Blogger evilganome said...

How 'bout having a root canal on Xmas Eve, and coming home to find your apartment has been robbed and they've taken all of the wrapped gifts. But I still hate flying more so you win.

1:29 PM  
Blogger Earl Cootie said...

I had nothing for the longest time, but last night, one came to me:

Getting a raging case of strep throat on the night before you're planning on hiking from Waterton Lakes Nat'l Park (in Alberta) to Glacier Nat'l Park (in Montana), and consequently, cutting your mountain vacation short by two days.

10:57 AM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Thank you all for your astute observations and cringe-inducing examples. All I did was barf a whole lot, so I have very little to complain about, really. I lost weight from it, even! Hello bright side!

The winner, by a relatively small margin, is Eric. Ted Haggard's wife is getting the shortest of the short ends, without question. Granted, she kinda deserves it at this point, what with all her ex-gay, homos rot in hell jive ass bullshit, but whatever. There's hardship, there's humiliation, and then there's having your husband outed by a prostitute on television. Ouch.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

Getting a flattire and shitting your pants at the same time on the freeway. Then having cop stop to see what wrong

Working in the ER and seeing your husband come in and die and having someone ask if they called "sue yet" and your not sue

10:31 PM  

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