God Bless Albert Swearingen

Things I've learned from watching Deadwood:

1. There's a right way and a wrong way to scrub blood off a hardwood floor.



2. When a man needs to think through a problem, the best thing to do is shut the fuck up and blow him.



3. Big moustaches weren't always just for archetypal villains, porn stars, and child molesters.



4. Child molesters can, of course, still have big moustaches. They can also still get great roles in Hollywood, and work on-set with children. Awesome. Or something.



5. If someone challenges you to a fight and then proceeds to pretty well hand you your ass, all you gotta do is get one arm free, reach up, and snatch the cocksucker's eyeball right out of his head. Works every time. And after that, be sure to kill the bastard for fucking with you in the first place.



6. Easiest way to dispose of the bodies of bastards you've killed: Feed them to pigs. (I hope the Sopranos guys are paying attention...that whole head in the bowling bag thing was SO unnecessarily violent and messy. Seriously.)



7. Laudanum is quite an effective aphrodisiac. Unfortunately, it also gives you opiumgoggles, which are far, far more powerful than beergoggles. Or scotchgoggles, even. Yikes.



8. Not only are whores people too, but they are people who can quit being whores if they want and become accountants, bankers, or philanthropists. (This lesson has served to explain a great deal about many of my colleagues here at Unnamed Big Four Accounting Firm.)



9. No matter how much they denied it, even non-whores got laid all over the place in the olden days. (God, my mom is SUCH a liar. But I already knew that.)



10. It's okay for a woman to get cracked out and knocked up, even by someone else's husband, as long as she has a shitload of money. (Note to Paris Hilton: You didn't invent this schtick, honey. Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are.)



11. When you get right down to it, even the most ruthless, hardcore, coldblooded motherfucker in town is really just a guy with unresolved mommy issues.



12. As painful as my kidney stones have been, I'm really fucking thankful that a) I'm not a dude, and b) it ain't 1876. Having a metal rod stuck up one's peehole seems like a dubiously valuable treatment method to me. I am now more enamored than ever with oxycodone. (Let's refrain from discussing oxygoggles, mmmkay?)

If you don't get it, I can't help you. Get your shit together, call your cable guy, and come back when it makes sense. Cocksucker. (Sorry! that too will make sense once you've watched it, I promise.)