Tuesday, September 13, 2005

This is how we do it

I left my Rockefeller Center office at about ten 'til one today, headed thirteen blocks south to pick up my pathetic joke of a paycheck. Midtown Manhattan is a cacophony of retardation at its least crowded...lunchtime on a warm, sunny day is about the worst possible time to get anywhere or do anything on Fifth Avenue. If I didn't need the money so desperately, I wouldn't have dreamed of venturing out at ten 'til one.

It's not terribly surprising, then, that a car turning off of Fifth onto 43rd Street came within a hairsbreadth of taking me right the fuck out. He gunned it as he turned, too. Six inches to the left, and I'd have been road pizza.

Me personally, I don't take kindly to such potentially disastrous impositions. Thus, I reacted as any New Yorker would. I pounded hard on the side of his car as he passed, and screamed "YOU FUCKING STUPID ASSHOLE!" into his open car window.

I glanced around and caught a couple of horrified tourists gaping at me like they'd never heard a dirty word before. Um, okay. Sure folks. I'M the asshole for violating your pristine Midwestern eardrums with my scathing public profanity. That poor guy...you know, the one who ALMOST KILLED ME JUST NOW? I should be ashamed for subjecting him that kind of abuse!

Blow me, people. Seriously. Fuck you, fuck the place you came from, and fuck your momma too. I know tourism brings tons of cash to New York, but since none of said cash is going toward my ridiculous rent, I can just as well do without the jillions of jiggly-assed morons who pack our streets like so many slackjawed sheep. But that's just me.

Oh well. At least Richard Lewis totally checked out my boobs when I passed him on the street about ten minutes later. No, really. See? Living here, it's not all bad.


Blogger DMo said...

When I was in Manhattan for a job interview a couple weeks back, I witnessed a bike courier slam a cab's trunk and shout out some random obscenity after nearly being hit.

Nothing I hadn't used myself mind you, but still, it was loud enough to stop me in my tracks.

That is the exact moment that I realized I've been living in Salt Lake City too goddamned long.

3:57 PM  
Blogger farmboyz said...

He checked out mine, too, but returned them to a branch in Queens.

7:36 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

As someone that swears like a sailor (a direct quote from my mom), I'm with you - people that act shocked near swearing need to chill the fuck out. On the other hand, I probably do deserve the dirty looks I get when I accidentally swear in front of children...

1:01 PM  
Anonymous Fuck New York said...

First you assumed they were tourists, then you assumed their "gaping" was due to your language alone. Because, after all, New York and the rest of the world rotates around the gravity created by your supremacy. They must have been only thinking thoughts about your behavior not, for instance, witnessing a near vehicular homicide. No, no they must have been from the Midwest and they must have been stupid and inbred and bigoted and vastly inferior to the citadel of manifest pansophy that is Almighty You.

You are indisputably infallible; therefore, as you decreed, visitors to the utopia of New York are henceforth deemed "slack jawed sheep" and shall be referred to as such in all social situations.

To further extol your most virtuous wisdom, next time you (or your momma) go on vacation, if you would please vouchsafe unto us your distinguished cognizance of our pathetic efforts to emulate your grandeur when you and yours are referred to as a bunch of wussy, pusillanimous, dhimmified, socialist scrotum-sucking, mean-spirited, celebrity canonizing, recalcitrant, dishonest, oppugnant, socially detrimental, domestically treasonous, self-hating, narrow-minded, pretentious, prejudiced, valueless, urbanites.

Your most appreciative disciple,
Fuck New York

1:20 AM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Sounds like somebody can't afford to live here. Gosh, that sure is a shame.

Bet you did great on the vocab section of your SAT test, though, so let that fact comfort you.

9:19 AM  

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