Monday, November 29, 2004

The Fruits of Unproductivity

Who knew that being sick in bed over the course of an entire holiday weekend could be so much damned fun? Sat-O-Lite teevee is the only way to be! I watched about 12 episodes of Law & Order and 10 of NYPD Blue, I shit you not. My eyeballs still hurt, and I'm not the least bit sorry about it.

So here are my reviews of the movies I afraid, Roger Ebert. Be very afraid.

Four words: George Clooney's Bare Ass. Does the plot or the cinematography or any of that crap even matter? Um, no. Not even a litte. I think there was some stuff about, like, space or something. And some people died, and some were already dead, and some that had been dead weren't anymore. Whatever. Loved it!

Daddy Day Care
About 1/10 as annoying as Jerry Maguire, 53 times more believable, and the little kid was just as cute. Works for me.

I was always that kid in school who got in fistfights with the assholes who picked on the special ed kids, so there were parts that made me furious, but mostly it was kinda sweet. Had this film been straight fiction, the whole triumph-of-the-human spirit thing woulda inspired projectile vomiting...but Radio is a real guy, and he rules, so yay. If I had kids, I'd make them watch it and then threaten to kick the shit out of them if they ever picked on anyone who couldn't fight back.

The Hot Chick
Down-and-out social deviant Rob Schneider changes bodies with cunty high school cheerleader. Wacky hijinks and innumerable dick and fart jokes ensue. Standard Rob Schneider movie, but make no mistake...this is no Deuce Bigelow. Me, though, I love dick and fart jokes, so it was an a-okay waste of an hour and a half of my life.

White Oleander
Meh. The book was so, SO much better. Isn't it always, though? But I think this was filmed before Michelle Pfeiffer's plastic surgery got outta control, so she still had her own nose (as opposed to Michael Jackson's) and looked really hot. So that's something.

No, it's not a porno (unfortunately.) But it was cute...nice little family-type film. Pretty good story, too. Now if you'll please excuse me for gorge has risen and must be attended to. (It was the only thing on last night, okay? Eff off.)

The Untouchables
When I saw this the first time, around the time it came out, I thought it was really good. I must have been drunk. Really drunk. Even Sean Connery kinda sucked. Kevin Costner's beauty is so painfully marred by his ability to speak...

Sid & Nancy
I watched Sid & Nancy on Thanksgiving...I am, like, SO punk rock, yo. This is still my favorite rock movie of all time (besides Spinal Tap, of course), and I think it may be my favorite biography as well. Sid was one fucked up cat, god love him, and thus we have one fucked up film on our hands here. The only thing that bugged me this time around was Whoretney Love's presence, which didn't register the first time I saw the movie umpteen years ago. That's because no one had heard of her then. I miss those days. Yeah, Love kills alright...especially if you're Kurt Cobain. Wait...did I just digress? I did. Whoops. (But could I really let that little scrap of irony slide by unnoticed? I don't think so.) Anyway, Sid & Nancy rules. That's where I was going with that. Yeah.

There you have it, my four-day weekend. Thank me later. I'm gonna go home and, you know, watch TV now.


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