Thursday, March 08, 2007

I am your father, Luke. And your mother.

Last night I got completely shithammered on red wine while watching Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. I hadn't bothered to watch it previously because I was pretty sure it would suck something fierce. It totally did. How sober people over the age of nine sat through that overblown piece of crap, I will never understand. (Note: It was still better than Episode II.)

I did, however, draw a stupid and inherently valueless, yet arguably interesting conclusion during the screening:

and Uma Thurman....

...are most certainly the same person.

Same lips, same nose, same bra size, same lustrous hair, same colorless, wooden acting...I'm not sure if Uma's FTM or Hayden's MTF, but I am absolutely positive that this is true. I'm also uncertain as to exactly what this fact says about Uma's ex-husband Ethan Hawke, but I have my theories. (cough) BOTTOM (cough)

Peronally, I think this is wonderful news or the LGBT community. I wish Hayden/Uma would come out on her/his own, but hey, no judgement here. A Jedi's gotta do what a Jedi's gotta do.

I just really wanna know if s/he's got...well, you know...a lightsaber, or a Saarlac pit.

I'm gonna use the Force and meditate on that one, Yoda style. I will, of course, follow up as soon as I know for sure.


Blogger Lotuslander said...

The title reminded me of someone with a lisp who really meant to name if Revenge of The Sick. And yeah, it sucked.

5:27 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Comedian Alec Mapa made a joke about how Logo would be showing the gay version of that movie:

'Revenge Of The Sithy'

Hayden was the most difficult thing to watch about those movies. That and the seizure/vertigo inducing special effects.

6:12 PM  
Blogger evilganome said...

I had happily blocked the memory of that dog, which I got dragged to from my memory. What a stinker!

Fortunately, I was comatose after about 15 minutes of that mind numbing little opus, so I really don't remember much.

7:16 PM  
Blogger Evil Dildo said...

What a riot. Hahaha! Uma and Hayden probably share the same sex tools of the trade. Talk about hermaphrodites in space.

10:28 PM  
Blogger rodger said...

Funny, I just told Joe today that I'd switch for Uma. You've just emphasized why...she's the man Chrissie Hynde no longer is.

12:37 AM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Roger, that almost made me pee my pants.

8:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gosh....your a bitch! I know my comment will not go onto your blog but the Hayden bashing is horrible! And if you think ROTS was so horrible why did you even bother to watch it? Watch again sober this might like it!

9:55 AM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Oh, it's published, pumpkin. Don't you worry.

I'm a bitch? Um...duh. You must be new here. This is not exactly news. This does not change the facts that a) Hayden Christensen is a horrible actor, or b) you can't spell for shit.

Your usage of the "ROTS" acronym is symptomatic of SSWNS, or Severe Star Wars Nerd Syndrome. This explains why you are busy trolling blogs for news about awful overhyped movies instead of, say, having sex. How unfortunate for you. I hope you find the comfort you need in the online Star Wars forums.

May the force be with you. Douchebag.

10:12 AM  
Blogger evilganome said...

Helen baby, I love you. I. Just. Love. You.

11:02 AM  
Blogger GayProf said...

I had a whole other comment in mind, then I read anon.

You know, I can almost understand why people defend horrible and nonsensical things like Bush, the Iraq War, and an antiquated cold-war diplomacy. Defending the last Star Wars movie? No way, man, that's just crazy talk.

12:23 PM  
Anonymous Tater said...

Wow. We DO have a lot in common. I so totally love you now after reading your response to the sswns person. Hayden and Uma were carved out of the same chunk of walnut, wooden to the core. The Sith was better than Nyquil for insomnia, but the after taste was worse...

1:16 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

I am TOTALLY buying into this theory.

2:26 PM  

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