Thursday, August 04, 2005

A day in the life of a Lady of Leisure

4:30 AM: Stumble in the front door, reeking of scotch, beer, and cigarettes, fresh from the best Drag Citizen show ever. (They are now a three-piece. It's like magic.)

4:34 AM: Wake up roommates with loud swearing resulting from toe stubbed on...something, fuck knows what.

4:35 AM: Pour huge glass of water, spilling a surprisingly small amount. Ingest 4 preemptive Advil. Eat one slice whole-wheat bread in a feeble attempt to soak up aforementioned scotch.

4:47 AM: Pass out, one foot planted firmly on floor to avert inevitable bedspins.

9:53 AM: Wake up, groan loudly, ponder possibility of vomiting, wish for temporary death, roll over, resume fitful, sweaty sleep.

11:09 AM: Awaken, disrobe entirely due to inclement heat, shuffle to roommate's computer, check email, wish again for temporary death, play brainless computer game for 45 minutes.

12:13 PM: Take obligatory post-bender purse inventory. Find three phone numbers, fourteen flyers for bands never heard before, and $6 US currency. Calculate evening's spending based on funds remaining. Ponder punching self, Fight Club style. Decide against it. Sigh heavily.

12:17 PM: Cook eggs naked, while drinking organic lemonade. Eat egg sandwich while checking Friendster messages. Lament utter uselessness of existence in general.

1:02 PM - 10:18 PM: Watch 7 consecutive episodes of Oz on DVD while continuously consuming dry cereal, muffins, veggie salami sandwiches, and aforementioned organic lemonade. Worry idly how to pay bills sans income. Nap briefly. Awaken, worry even more about the fact that season 6 of Oz not yet out on DVD, and season 5 now halfway over. Attempt to consider activities other than Oz on DVD; none come to mind. Mild panic ensues.

10:18 PM: Speak with Coco. Lament hangover, recap past night's activities and embarrassments, giggle like a girlscout.

10:27 PM: Urinate for the first time all day. Make mental note not to promote/allow such devastating dehydration going forward.

10:36 PM: Sleep.

You want to be me, and you know this.


Anonymous Big Dan said...

If I ever cook eggs naked, I'd go to jail. Too many kids in the house that aren't mine. Also, I am willing to bet you watched the 7 hours of Oz naked. I know I would have. Yikes .....

5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Wire!

1:09 PM  
Anonymous glenn said...

Three phone numbers? You vixen! So when you gonna call them?

5:14 PM  
Blogger tobie said...



9:02 PM  
Blogger Sangroncito said...

The price we pay for a good night out!

3:12 PM  
Blogger c said...

I am sorry I kept you out so long past anyone's normal bedtime. I think I made up for it with the GA. Also, imagine trying to write a B with a complete lack of S and understand that I was right there with you, sister. Scout's honor.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Helen the Felon said...

Effin' A, C. Effin' A.

2:29 PM  
Anonymous DaF said...


10:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oddly enough, this makes me want to come visit you even more.
1. For a decent night out which I haven't had in for-ev-er.
2. To make sure you live through such nights and get home ok.
3. Because I have also cooked eggs naked and I feel less strange knowing someone else has now done it. This really shows that we are meant for eachother.


4:03 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

Who Links Here